Wednesday, May 6, 2009

For Big Girls Only.

Pardon me, Dad, Greg and Tony (my male readers!), but this one's for the ladies. I've warned you.

So the other day Heather mentioned scheduling a visit with her ob/gyn, or as I call it, a "big girl appointment." Because really, you have to be a pretty big girl to put yourself in a position where you're lying flat on your back, naked from the waist down, with someone all up in your Kool-Aid, poking and prodding as you squirm in discomfort and shame. Without getting paid for it, or having your pimp skim 40% off the top of your hard hearned profits, I mean.

Not that I know this from personal experience, but I've seen Pretty Woman 53 times and I've been in Times Square, so I know how the whole scenario works.

I've been very blessed for the past eight years, as my "big girl" doctors have both been ladies with whom I'm superclose. Dr. Suzanne was in residency with us and delivered Libbey...Dr. Erin survived medical school with Scott and delivered Caroline. Both are honorary members of our family and we love them dearly. Therefore my "big girl appointments" are different from the average gal's.

Most women are on the table, partaking in the awkward, idle chit-chat that occurs while their physician is all up in their Kool-Aid:

Doctor: And how have things been since your last appointment?
Big Girl: You mean since you last violated me?

or

Doctor: Any questions or concerns you'd like to discuss today?
Big Girl: Why do I wear my newest, prettiest, cleanest undergarments here when I know you're never going to see them? (Seriously. We all do it.)

or

Tiffany's tale of her smokin' hot ob/gyn. Best "big girl appointment" post ever.

Meanwhile, when I'm on on display for Erin's trained eye, this is our dialogue:

Me: So this is the year I'm getting lipo on this gut of mine.
Erin: Girl, go for it--it will make you feel and look better and I am a big proponent of plastic surgery. Maybe I'll get some work done, too. Then we'll go out and be MILFs together.

and

Erin: I think we all need to take a vacation in the Caribbean. Kids or no kids?
Me: Uh...seriously? NO KIDS!
Erin: Right. Then we can drink margaritas at 11 am and not feel guilty.
Me: I wouldn't feel guilty even if the kids were with us. It is, after all, vacation!

And before I know it the invasion is over, we've had a nice little visit, and she's no longer all up in my Kool-Aid. Of course I'd rather visit with Erin over a grande caramel latte, while I'm fully clothed. Just sayin'.

But the best conversation we've ever exchanged (during a "big girl appointment," that is) was during my last breast exam:

Erin: You know, for someone who's nursed two kids for a year apiece, your boobs are in great shape!
Me: I love you and will now be your faux lesbian life parter. Forever. Even though you lie.

Because truly...that is what one wants in an ob/gyn. At least, it's what I want. Flattery will get you everywhere.

I'm making my appointment now.

Scott, Erin, and a 1-hour old Caroline--October 27, 2005.


41 comments:

Jaime said...

I love my ob too! And she is the ob for all of my women family members so while she invades my privacy we chat about the fam and her side businesses (which oddly enough for a doctor are a tanning salon and a sandwich shop.) I love her and if I didn't have her I would probably never go lol. Plus she takes all my concerns seriously since she knows ovarian cancer runs in my family so everytime I'm there she runs blood tests on me and puts me at ease! Nothing is better than a great OB..but it's awesome you're talking about going on vacay with yours...with mine we just talk about the awesome vacays she's taken like when she went on vacay the day before number 3 was BORN!!!

Amy said...

Kool aid? That is one I've never heard. I love it. I also love the pimp skimming 40% off the top. Lula, you are very very funny and just started me day off right.

Amy said...

You just reminded me that I am like over a year behind on my big girl appointment(s)! Don't get me started on that mammogram crap! Grr.

Tami said...

I would like to schedule an appt with Erin immediately!!

Sparkette said...

OH MY GAWSH you are killin me! :) LOL! I will tell you that I haven't had the same OB twice in a row (other then my kids) since I have been in the Navy. It's not right! In the Navy medical they have pictures of random stuff that kids like to look at. Can we say not entertaining?!

Thanks for the laugh this morning, no kidding I am going to my appt today. Grr. I have no earthly idea who it will be today!

Sun said...

haaa :) you are hilarious! it's good that you have a good ob...

so awkward - stirrups and all.

Bekah said...

um I <3 this blog.

once... i got a 'i won't go away' yeast infection, so I had to schedule a last min. ob appointment (normal check ups are scheduled 1 year in advance here. yes. ONE YEAR) and i had to see the Indian male doctor: Dr. Adibi. He was gentle. And I was scared.

If you're wondering if I saw him last time I had vietnemese food at the Vietnam Cafe, I did...

Angie's Spot said...

You are hilarious! I love my OB/GYN in that non-lesbian way too. She's not a close friend like yours is, but we've had some interesting conversations while she's on the business end of this body. And that post of Tiffany's is pure brilliance. Love it!

Elena said...

I wanna joing the lipo party! Can I come? And see, your boobs are great. I knew you could take 1st in a wet t-shirt contest.

Heather said...

Mine's a man. But he's older and not at all attractive. He wears a spongebob stethoscope. I suppose he's trying to be funny, but all I can do is hear Spongebob's voice while the man's head is between my legs.

"I will insert the speculum now." In a Spongebob voice.

"Just my fingers." In a Spongebob voice.

It gets into my head and then I can't get it out.

I have issues.

Jen said...

*sigh* Why can't I have a doctor like that? Mine just tells me that I am fat.

Nicole said...

That would be so nice. I mean its never really nice, but it sounds better than the awkward spread em and hold your breath visit. She sounds like a great OB/BYN!

Becky said...

After four kids, all humility has gone out the door.

The last appointment, my ob (who actually I do LOVE by the way...she is a hippie free spirited midwife) said "I know YOU won't mind if we let a training med student come in and just take a peek! Of all people, I thought you wouldn't care!" I said sure...It's a freaking party! LOL!

Melissa said...

Okay, I think I used to babysit her. Seriously? She is soooo young. I would totally be flattered to hear her say my boobs were in great shape. I would then have to put her in time out for fibbin'.......I mean no disrespect for her M.D. I know she earned it, but it just seems the docs keep getting younger. What's up with that?

Brandy said...

My appt is Tuesday. I'm not looking forward to it as last time they were talking about baked beans and potato salad while "all up in my Koolaid".

Not to mention but my doctor thinks I'm crazy. My first appt with her I described my PMS. She said it was perfectly normal.

So then last year I said "I know you told me that my mood swings are normal, but when I want to physically get out of my car and slap the shit out of the lady in front of me for stopping at a yellow light, is that too perfectly normal?"

She offered me meds. LOL!

Gina said...

So, I only see women. Amen.
Last year there was a woman in town (Theyear before I had to travel to the next town) so I made an appointment for my 3 minute drive. We took care of Bid'ness and I left. 2 weeks later I sat down to dinner at the MOPs auction, and who should sit down across from me? A doctor friend and HER!
"Hey, Gina. How Are you? Have you met my friend and office mate Dr. Female Examiner?"
"Um, yeah, we've met."

True story.

I did go back and now when I see her in our tiny town we chat.

Lacey said...

The first time I saw the OB who delivered Barak... he began to go do the "exam" part and he said "Sorry my fingers are big..." I was like SWEET! hahaha kidding!

Cecily R said...

Oh, you make me LAUGH!

My OB is a man and not really an OB, he's a GP. That said, I love the man. BUT, the last time I had a big girl exam, my HUSBAND was there and they chatted about football over my boobs (don't worry, my hubby left and a nurse came in for the Kool-Aid part...awkward). Neat.

Swirl Girl said...

You should wear Pull Ups to your appt.

"You're a big girl now!"

Sissy said...

I have never had my parts referred to as Kool-Aid. That made me laugh right off.

Lady Di said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

Kool-Aid that's a new one! I am glad I don't give my kids the drink b/c every time I made it I would think of this post and kool - aid's new meaning.

Thanks for the laugh. Your lucky. I love my OB as well, she is also our family practitioner. I like the fact that if I see her in the store she says hi and asks about all my kids and husband by name. I LOVE that. She really gets me too - takes the time to understand who I am - she really cares.

By the way it was me who deleted the above comment. Silly me I was logged in as my partner in crime.

CaraBee said...

Oh girl, you know how I feel about the lady doctor. My doctor's great, but he's no Erin.

Braiding?? I'm not quite as meticulous as I used to be, but day-um. Although when I was pregnant, I was complaining to a girlfriend of mine about how I couldn't see down there to groom and she asked me if I was sporting the ZZ Top. I went home and got out a mirror. I was.

Lauren said...

Umm..I am jealous. I have a man. And he is crazy. He tried to get me to get drunk on my wedding day to make the "wedding night better". True story.

Linda said...

You are so lucky. My old big girl doctor simply did not have a sense of humor. I should have dumped her after the first appointment. I have a new doc now ... but our relationship is young. I still haven't figured out if we're made for each other. I'll keep ya posted.

ParentingPink said...

LOL! Kool-aid and the obgyn, a priceless combination indeed! I couldn't stop giggling at your post because the whole thing about wearing your "nicest" pair of panties is so true. And my OBGYN is a woman, so I REALLY have no idea why I do it - I mean, if he was hot, that would be another story entirely!

angie said...

You are So lucky. I went last week. My OB said, "wow. for only having 5 kids, your boobs are beat". j/k. My OB's not cool like yours. At all.

Angela said...

I loved this post! I too love my OB/GYN and travel 45 minutes across town these days to stay with her. I cannot go elsewhere!

And yep, I've seen Pretty Woman too many times to count. Love that movie!

Carrie said...

When I go to the doctor, I want it to be all business. So I could care less if it is a woman or a man. Just shut up and shove whatever you need to up my hoo-hah and let me leave asap. Thankyouverymuch.

Mama Kat said...

Yeah...I'm pretty sure not even a hot and funny friend of the family could make me feel good about an ob appointment. They always make horrible faces down there...I don't know why...it's not like you can SMELL herpes. Geez.

Rhea said...

Your big girl appointment sounds way more fun than mine usually does. Koolaid. lol

MoodyMommy said...

Stopping by from SITS

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Heather said...

I worked with my ob/gyn docs when I was a L&D nurse.

I totally crushed on one of them (he didn't know).

I can not have him all up in my kool-aid, or he would soon discover the crush.

You are hilarious. I love this post. And I have seen Pretty Woman just as many times...I love it!

Tony C said...

I feel better educated on the subject of gynecology and what you ladies experience...and also thirsty for something sweetened... all at the same time.

Curious.

Thanks for letting me hang with the girls for a bit, but God bless your poor dad for having to endure such detailed info about his daughter.

Tony C said...

Oh BTW...your OB/GYN is hot! I'd have problems exposing the iPod for the old cough,cough test if my doc looked like that!

Christina said...

You are so lucky... what a great OB/GYN. I loved mine, great bed-side, feet in the stirrups manner.... but alas we moved and the doc refused to go with me. So unless I plan on making a 12 hour round trip drive to the doc, I must search for a new one.

themoonisdown said...

i read your dialogue with your accent playing in my head... it makes it even that much more AWESOME!

ps i spy patty

Em said...

Now that I don't have to go for a BCP script, I find it difficult to work my "big girl" appointment into my busy schedule.

Not buying the excuse?

Fine. I'll call Monday.

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

My ob/gyn just retired. Now, I feel like I'm starting all over again from scratch. Not good. I wish yours lived closer. Dang it.

And, Tiffany's post about her visit ... hysterical.

cruisinhippo said...

I have never laughed so hard while reading about a trip to the gyno. Love it!! I can't wait to share it with my girlfriends!

Marrdy said...

I love it! Can Erin move to Utah?