Thursday, November 20, 2008

In Which I Sever All Ties to Her Franchise.

A Prelude To This Post
So I have been sick this past week. Very sick. So sick that my husband-who-never-takes-me-seriously-when-I'm-ill rushed me to the hospital last Saturday morning. I truly thought I was going to die, because I usually have to be bleeding from my eyeballs or barfing a lung before he'll even cast a cursory glance in my direction. (For the record--physicians aren't known for their bedside manner--when it comes to their family members, that is. That's all I'm saying. And I love you, Scott...thanks for being my doctor.)

A bojillion pills (seemingly), hours of sleep, and 6 days later I can now say that I am...not better. Not 100% that is, but I'm getting there. I've missed blogging...reading blogs...and keeping up with all of you. I feel detached, but give me a few days and I'll be back to normal. Keep in mind that normal is a relative term where I'm concerned. Sigh...
{And an enormous thanks to all of you who checked in on me these past few days--I felt so loved, and I mean that in a completely non-cheesy kind of way. Y'all are so hardcore. Thanks!}


Onto what I really want to share with y'all.
Last Friday I announced that my boyfriend (Jason Statham, for those of you unaware) would be appearing on The Tonight Show. I DVRed it, of course, and finally sat down to watch on Monday evening, positive it would be the medicine I needed to boost my pathetically weak immune system. I just knew it would make me feel better.

I was wrong.

It started off well...Jason comes out looking delicious in a chocolate brown suit, smiling and just being his glorious self. (Hi, honey--yes, I am loving you all the way over here in Virginia. We'll chat soon, wink-wink.) Jay Leno rants and raves about how much he loves the Transporter flicks, how he digs Jason and is a big fan, and I'm all, "Yeah, Jay--rack 'em up, baby--rack 'em up--you're adding cool points by the minute."
While I'm watching I keep noticing the guest sitting to Jason's right...the one who was on before him...and I'm thinking, "She needs to scoot it on over and get out of his personal space." Because her hair and her arms are all up in the screen. See there, in the far left? I mean, yeah...I know how you operate, Sister...I get your game...I know you want to be close to his essence, breathing the same air, attempting surreptitious whiffs of his scent...I get it. I totally do. You are all in his Kool-Aid and you sure don't know the flavor. Then she had to go and do this:


Oh, she did NOT grab his arm. Oh, but she did.



Shameless hussy.

You don't get the best of both worlds, Miley Montana. You are 16. He is 36. Even if we ignore the age issue there is the simple fact of the matter that he is my man. M-I-N-E.

I literally had to stop watching.

And then I got all riled up and darn if it didn't make me feel worse. He was my medicine, she was another strain of disease.

It's gonna take a few more days for me to get over this. Bear with me y'all...I'll keep busy by making dust rags out of Libbey's Hannah Blah-bana t-shirts & pajamas. Oh, and that poster hanging on the back of the playroom door? Yeah, we now have a new target for darts. I'm just sayin'.








63 comments:

momof3crazykids said...

Oh no she didn't! Oh yes she did.
I don't blame you, if that were to happen to RPattz I'd react the same.
I glad your're feeling a little better. Hope your 100% soon!

jori-o said...

"You are all in his Kool-Aid and you sure don't know the flavor" WHERE do you come up with this stuff?? You are hySTERical!! You must be feeling somewhat better. Your sass is fabulous!!

Trish said...

And we are suprised why??

I'm sorry Leigh Anne. Truly sorry. And yes she is another strain of disease.

YOU.CRACK.ME.UP.

Kristina P. said...

Well, Miley is one of the horsemen of the apocalypse. I'm actually surprised she's not knocked up yet.

Oh, and don't visit my blog tomorrow. :)

Linda said...

I just found your blog. You know, a click here a click there and how in the world did I end up here sort of thing? Well I'm sure glad I did! You are so much fun. Absolutely hysterical! I can't wait to check back and see what else you have to share. Hope you're feeling better. And btw, your boyfriend is gorgeous ... don't worry I'm not interested in his Kool-Aid, just observing how handsome he is. You did post his picture for us to drool over, right?

Mama Wheaton said...

You have very good taste in men. If he has any friends let me know. I'm sure between the two of us we could take her out of the scene and no one would notice.

Swirl Girl said...

Hannah Blah-tana got nothin' on you Lula...insipid fop that she is.

the nerve of some mega stars...harumph!

JourneytoFamily said...

You're obviously feeling good enough to churn out a hilarious post. Hope you get to be at 100% soon!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Burn her CD's! How dare she touch your man!

Britt said...

And who taught her how to sit in a dress?

Obviously not MY mama .. tsk tsk Miss Miley. You have no idea what you've just gone and did.

Feel better soon, Lula!!

ugagirl30 said...

I'd write her daddy a letter if I were you.

But let's be truthful, you would have done worse than that had you been sitting there. She was just taking advantage of the situation. Maybe she had never been that close to a REAL man before.

heathersister said...

Girl, what are you talkin' about. You are back! Missed you. I am cracking up. You feel all better real soon, tomorrows big screen will help I am sure and you leave Libby's cute little shirt and pj's alone.

Brenda Jean said...

First I must say-- you ARE well enough to see Twilight, right? I mean that would just be cruel if you couldn't go. I know you've had your ticket FOREVER. I can't go til Sunday and I am counting on you--living thru you of course. I'm sorry you are feeling bad, but I think going could be your cure. Really.

As far as Hanna-- some on--I'm SURE she wasn't trying to steal your man. She was just being nice. I'll bet she was thinking "Awww...he's old enough to be my dad.".

Amy said...

She did not! I'm sorry, isn't it past her bed time??

Listen, I'm so sorry you were sick. I was thinking you were sunning yourself out in LA and that's why you weren't around. Aren't you supposed to be in CA?
I hope you feel better. I'm glad your DR/man took you to the hospital and gave you some feel better meds. Feel better already! Edward is coming!

Caroline said...

I think I should fly out this minute to where "Miley Montana" lives and introduce her to my 55 gallon drum of whoop-ass.

You know I rarely cuss anywhere, but this was a more than appropriate moment to get down with my bad self.

Sissy said...

You know, that is pretty forward for a 16 year old. Really. But I certainly think you could take her...even sick.

Glad you are feeling better!

Heather said...

Not a wee bit of jealousy prompted this here post, did it? Hmm...?

I like the comment where Miley was probably just thinking that Jason is as old as her dad. Um, I gotta say that is not the look she has on her face, nor saying with her body language.

But you know that Jason brushed off that sleeve, blew that girl's attention off, saying "I'm sorry, little one, but I am saving myself for Leigh Anne".

Just sayin'.

Lauren W said...

Wow Lula... I'm sure you and Jason have already gotten together and laughed about the brazen hussy who thought she could make him forget his love for you. Clearly, she can't.
Anyway... I'm so glad that you're feeling better. Hopefully you'll be in tip-top shape again soon :)
Maybe a little Edward is just what you need to tip you over the edge of health?

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Everyone else has covered the other base so I'm going to post a question as to her upbringing. If any child of MINE went to ANYONE'S house (or talk show set) and put their feet up on the couch like that, I would be opening a can of whoop-mommy on their little tooshies. That is NOT how a lady in a dress sits on a couch.

Hussy indeed!!!!

Kathi said...

Glad you're feeling better!! Will you be well enough to see Twilight at midnight???? I hope so!!

Laura said...

I am SO glad you are feeling better...even if it's just a "little." I'm sick now, too, and your story about Jason and Miley TOTALLY made me go into coughing hysterics!!

JANE said...

All up in his Kool-Aid, Oh girl I'm in the floor on that one, ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ya know, I've always known there was something suspicious about about that whole Miley Cirus/Hannah Montana person!! Now we know....she covets!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kat said...

I don't know where it comes from. But I want just a smidgen of that wit of yours :-)

As for Jason - that look that he is giving her. He just looks like he is clenching his teeth at her touch. And from what I hear...this arm touch is just the tip of the iceberg in trying to get into his space...

Kori said...

Oh how I've mised you. So glad you are somewhat on the mend.

And I am so ready to go hunt down that skankey Miley shame on her for messing with your man. We'll teach her a thing or too. And besides I am tired of my 11 year old son drooling all over the place when she is on TV or on the radio.

Love ya darlin' whole bunches.

Tracey said...

YAY!! LULA IS BACK! ...yes, I am yelling!...Sooo glad you resurrected from the (almost) dead!!!! Missed you this week...since I have basically done nothing on my blog except babble on about TWILIGHT!! I soooo hope that you are feeling well enough to go!! Me and the Little Missy will be camping out at the theater starting this afternoon!!!

HUGS!
Tracey
polkadotsandpicketfences.com

KimmyJ said...

Yeah - you are on the mend. And Hanna Montana needs to watch her sassy self, just sayin'!

Tam said...

tooo funny! So I was up in Virginia visiting last week and everyone I mean everyone was SICK there! I told my family to I was going to start wearing Masks around them. Well before I left yes I started feeling bad and then worse and now going on day 6 worse. HOPE YOU ARE DOING BETTER and this was a funny post.

Live.Love.Eat said...

You got your Sass and Wit, that's a good sign of getting better!!!! Jason looks like he wants to do one of those back slap moves with his arm, the way he's looking at her. If that makes you feel any better. And he is looking so scrumptious. I'd want to be all up in his Kool Aid too, and in every single flavor!!!!! :) Keep getting better!!!!!

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, man. No she didn't. Want me to kick her bootay for you if I ever see her? Cause I totally will.

Glad to see you back here.

Elena said...

Hip hip hooray! Lula's here today!! So glad you're semi-better. Whatever you have must be something nasty awful. Poor little Miley, she has no idea what she's dealing with. :)

Amy said...

OH goodness! Too funny. I am glad you feel better. You will need your strength to kick Miley Montana's @$$~ LOL!

Melissa said...

Boobless Mily? She ain't got nuttin' on your tatas. Don't sweat it....

I'm so glad you're feeling better. Call me, K?

Rhea said...

I was just getting ready to email you, worried about you. I'm so sorry you've been so sick...

and omg, as I write this, I hear a Twilight commercial on the TV!! It's a sign!

April said...

Glad you are feelin better!

Please refrain from hurting Miley...my girls would be devastated!

Tony C said...

You are truly one of a kind!

Glad you're feeling a little better.

Can I say in a completely hetro-kinda way...he is a good looking man...but Wolverine won Sexiest Man Alive (Peeps magazine 2008). Sorry Lula.

Jenny and the Princess Peonies said...

Oh Miss Lula! I am happy to see you posting again. I have been praying for you this week. I wish you all better!

Next time I see Miley I will kick her ass for you!

I will be thinking of you while I am at my midnight showing of Twilight tonight!!!

Kimberly said...

I am going to get in touch with his people and make sure they know Miley has Kooties.

tramp

Jen said...

I am so glad that you are beginning to feel better.
And snap, you told her. If she knows what is good for her she will back away, NOW!

Ashley said...

Hussy indeed - you tell her!

Steph at The Red Clay Diaries said...

Glad you're feeling a little better. When I'm sick enough to stay away from blogging, then I know I am SICK.

I think that Miley girl has no idea who she's dealin with.

Oh, but what exactly is the age difference between you and Edward?

Just askin.

Brandy said...

And here we have yet ANOTHER person you gotta go all Ric Flair on...wooooooooooooooooooooooo!

We do people keep messing with you? Don't they know you are to be feared in Ric mode? Dang it. Another casualty.

Hope you feel better soon...and if Twilight isn't the medicine you need then I don't know what's up.

Brandy said...

And one for the road...

wooooooooooooooooooooooooo

heathersister said...

You go Lizzy!

Eudea-Mamia said...

That right there, THAT's the straw - Disney cut ties with her as fast as you can!

Yet another silver lining to having a house full of boys.

I bet he burned that jacket.

Em (glad you're feeling better!!!)

Rachael said...

Uh-oh! Miley is going down the Brittney Spears road! I could have called it from a mile away. It's a shame too....just breaks my "achy breaky heart".

Thanks for the laugh today....your post was hilarious!

scargosun said...

Don't worry. I kicked her ass already. Why was she sitting like that on the couch?

Ronnica said...

I love how she's sitting all comfortable. Looks like she's making herself at home. If I ever were on Leno, I hope I'd have the guts to sit comfortably! (and modestly, but hopefully that doesn't take guts)

MarciaBrady said...

Hi Lula. So glad you are feeling better.

Darn that Miley Cirus! I didn't even recognize her at first! I was sitting here looking at the pic and wondering who the asian girl was. Guess I should've put my glasses on.

Well, just think about Twilight and how you get to go see the movie tomorrow!

Hope you get back to 100% soon!

MarciaBrady said...

Hi Lula. So glad you are feeling better.

Darn that Miley Cirus! I didn't even recognize her at first! I was sitting here looking at the pic and wondering who the asian girl was. Guess I should've put my glasses on.

Well, just think about Twilight and how you get to go see the movie tomorrow!

Hope you get back to 100% soon!

angie said...

Miley, Miley, Miley. What WERE you thinking?

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. What did you have?

Carrie said...

I saw that dirty hoooooooooor on Ellen this morning. Her speaking voice irritates the crap out of me and I had to change it. Now I have another reason not to like her...

Darcy @ LWM3B said...

Oh my gosh... I was just going to come and tease you for disappearing of the face of the earth.

Now don't I feel all bad that you've been sick! I'm sooooooo sorry. I am sending you oodles of virtual chicken noodle soup.

And if it'll be a better cure... Fandango posted some exclusive Twilight cast interviews on their site with footage from the premiere. maybe that will help?

Get well soon. I miss ya'!

sassy stephanie said...

Girl, you are too much.

I hope this all passes soon (the illness and the HM thingy). Get betta real quick like! Hope it doesn't keep you from "U know what".

John Deere Mom said...

You MUST be sick if you don't even have the strength to post about the Twilight premiere! Hope you feel good enough to go!

Shannon said...

Oh, no she di'int!

Glad you are feeling better... missed ya!

MWAH!

Gramma 2 Many said...

Husband is a Chiropractor. He never shows me any compassion about how I am feeling. I get it completely.
Maybe Miley,reads your blog and she will see that her whole being is in danger. She should know better than to mess with another woman's man.

Mrs de Miranda said...

ugh, what was that hussy thinkin?? She should know to not be so shameless in front of the world...what after those backless pictures and such last year. Ew. We are so on your side. I hope she sees this! hahahaha

manic mariah said...

Glad you are feeling better. Can't believe how she is sitting also.

CaraBee said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so glad you're feeling better. We've been sick, sick, sick around here, too. Not hospital sick, but husband stay home from work to care for the baby while I spend all day in bed sick. I feel you. And that Miley has nothing on you, girl!

Marrdy said...

So glad you are better...glad the hubby took care of you!!

Miley is in need of a parental talk and a little slap on her butt for flirting shamelessly as she is...AND....with your man!!

Queenie Jeannie said...

You can have him as long as I get Daniel Craig!!! Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, tongue bath..........mmmmmmmmmmmmmm............

Angie's Spot said...

You go girl! I never like that Miley girl anyway. She's a train wreck just waiting to happen, a la Lindsay Loho.

Jessica said...

you are hilarious!