Thursday, November 13, 2008

When Laundry Leads To Luxury...Or Not.

Today I was ironing pillowcases and thinking about the time years ago when Oprah casually mentioned on her show, "There is nothing better than freshly ironed pillowcases..." And at that moment I said to myself, "Are you kidding me? Oh wait, you're Oprah." Or Oprahdiculous, as I've renamed the woman.

Now stop for a minute. Before y'all utter "Why is Lula ironing pillowcases?" I will confess to leaving the sheets in the dryer for 2 days. They crumpled in the claustrophobia. My parents are coming soon and the guest bed needs clean sheets. These were rendered withered beyond repair and I didn't want my folks getting huge creases on their faces. I'm a good daughter.

Anyway, I'm standing there pressing pillowcases, thinking of Oprah and her starched and creased 25,000 thread count beauties, and dreaming of living so lavishly that I could have freshly laundered sheets. Every day. Every single day. Of my life.

Then I started imagining what it'd be like if every day were clean sheet day! I mean every day, not just Sunday. And if I had a housekeeper putting new linens on our beds each day, why couldn't she also shampoo my hair every morning? Complete with a 10 minute scalp massage, please. And while she's at it, freshly brewed coffee, my morning paper, and my slippers would be truly appreciated immediately following the lathering of my locks. I wouldn't have to lift a finger.
Can you imagine?

I cannot. I can dream. But I can't think of what it would be like to have a full-time maid or personal assistant. Or a towel warmer. Is that not dreamy? Tell me it's not. A big, fluffy, warm towel at your fingertips, seconds after exiting the shower? Have mercy.

So there I am, still ironing sheets for my folks, while the girls are watching Little Bill. At that moment I experienced a toe-curling revelation: I'm lusting over laundry. I used to fawn over such as this:
river phoenix Pictures, Images and Photos
Oh River, how I loved you, how I longed to smoke with you. Sigh...

This, however, gives me much greater pleasure:

I was meant for this...to hop in, read, eat, and dream amidst clouds of luxurious Italian threads. Seriously, this is my version of Disney World. And if I'm dreaming at full potential, I might as well have a catheter--'cause why get out of the clouds for an act so inane it's been nicknamed and numbered 1 and 2?

Immediately following this revelation I knew in my head what my heart has been trying to tell me all along. I am middle aged. Just turn the television to Wheel of Fortune, hand me a bag of Nutter Butters, and ask for regular updates from the Weather Channel. Amen.

52 comments:

Carrie said...

Um, I just toss them back in the dryer with a wet washcloth and TA-DAAAAAAAA no wrinkles!

And I give a hearty hoo-yah to Opradiculous!! I can NOT see why people watch her show! It baffles me...

Speaking of River, I remember being in 5th grade and dying at his behind in tighty-whiteys in Stand by Me. What?? Crazy!

I'm so procrastinating cleaning right now, it's ridiculous. I just told Kat (commented on her blog anyway) that I think I'm going to give up my food budget so I can have a cleaning lady. I'll be skinnier and have a clean house!

Oh, and I picked up my reserved copy of Twilight from the library today. The 20-something behind the counter asked if it was the first time I'd read it and went on and on about how good it is and she's read the whole series three times.

It better be good or I am personally blaming you. " )

Okay, off to do dishes and floors. blech. blech. blech. blech. blech.

Okay, I'm really leaving now.

Seriously, I'm going.

Okay, I'm out.

Just kidding.

This time I'm really leaving, dangit!

Bye.

Carrie said...
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TattooedMinivanMom said...

Did you just say you wanted to smoke River Phoenix?

I heart fresh clean sheets. It bugs the crapola out of me when the kids jump into my bed with stuff all over the feet or they get crumbs or something on my bed. The sheets must be smooth and debris free for me to sleep well.

JourneytoFamily said...

You are good! I would rather sleep on wrinkled sheets that sat in the dryer for two days than go to the trouble of ironing them!

KJ Schiffman said...

On our honeymoon, I was SO entralled by the sheets and the way the bed was made...I almost couldn't ruin it. lol. Thankfully for Eric, I said "almost". (wink, wink!)

I'm totally with you. Lusting after linens that are crisp, clean and done for me.

Gina said...

I am SO moving in with you- but not if you get catheterized. Nope. No way. But if you actually get up to go #1 and #2, I will come. And Scott can sleep in the guest room. On the regular sheets. He needs to be around to RUB YOU DOWN every now and then.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I loved River Phoenix, too. I hate that his life was cut short so tragically.
I know that wasn't the point of your post, but it sidetracked me. lol
I don't iron. Anything. Ever. I don't own an iron, ironing board, none of that crap.

Julie said...

i would still not iron them, I would put them back in the dryer with a wet towel to unwrinkle them! Or I just heard about Downy Wrinkle guard spray on another bloggers post and she said it works great!!!

Well, I look forward to my ironed sheets when I come to visit...

and love that pic of River... and the bed.... I guess I am middle age too, the bed looks better to me too!

Kelly said...

i saw someone ironing pillowcases in situ on top design and couldn't even believe they were doing that on a design show, where nothing but appearance matters. but you. you do this for your houseguests. that's leigh anne, taking horspitality to the southern extreme. i think we should talk vicki into picking me up on her way to your house so i, too, can enjoy some ironed pillowcases. ah but for now, i'll just have to settle for the book(s!) you sent me yesterday. thank you! and i hope you feel better today.

Amy said...

I am so with you. White, crisp, clean, freshly pressed sheets on a bed in the Ritz Carlton is heaven.
My luxury dream is a massage therapist at the ready every night before bed. Someone on "staff." That's all I need. That, and this ashtray. (You know what movie that's from??)

heathersister said...

Girl, I've been in that dream before. I bet that is what life is like for the Queen or Oprah!

Caroline said...

As soon as I read the first five words of this post "Today I was ironing pillowcases..." I almost drove to your little town in my action jeans to kick you for being so Oprahdiculous!

You're luck I continued reading, but even if I did have company, I still would not iron sheets for them - the wet washcloth in the dryer thing works great. They're gonna get wrinkly from your parents sleeping in them anyway. You must take care of yourself since you are feeling under the weather.

No more ironing sheets, underwear, curtains, or tablecloths and no watching movies with Kate Beckinsale losing her son and then getting shot by her freak of a husband. M'kay?

Heather said...

Wait, did you get the card out from under the pillow that I left for you? Before you washed the pillowcases?

Just kidding. I didn't leave you a note. I was afraid Lewis would read it, so I decided to come home and mail it to you instead. You know how sneaky cats can be...

All of my friends are in agreement here, just so you know. And you know what I'm talking about.

Amy said...

My mom used to say "don't leave the sheets in the dryer too long, they'll be all wrinkled." I never understood that, you gotta sleep on them, and wrinkle them anyway.

I am too lazy to iron. Anything. Especially pillowcases :D But if I had a maid...oh hell yeah!

Live.Love.Eat said...

You're too good. I do what the others mention, just put that puppy back on "touch up." But my MIL irons EVERYTHING and LIKES it. I iron nothing. But anyway, I'm with ya. I was getting all hot & heavy over my Chef's catalog last night. Totally.......it was me, a Vodka & Tonic and the little butcher block mobile island. I am so posting a pic of him, I mean it, tomorrow. I'm buying it......

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

I just take this post as a hint that I need to go back to bed...

And hey... I'd be your maid...

Tracey said...

Ok! Ironing the pillowcases is taking your Oprahness a bit toooo far honey! I take exception to the idea that because your dreams have changed from young hot and steamy to high thread count, perfectly ironed bliss would somehow indicate that you are middle aged!! I too dream of crispy, luxurious sheets and room service for my every need and I refuse to admit middle agedom! I believe it is our subconscious SCREAMING at us that we NEED some rest and that it is HIGH TIME someone waits on us hand and foot the way we do for our families!!! (well sometimes, we do...heehee)

sassy stephanie said...

Ah yes, but middle aged means cuter shoes. Young ones wear only Old Navy rubber flip flops.

Tony C said...
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Kat said...

The housekeeper is here right now. Actually she just called down the stairs to tell me about a tooth left under a pillow. We have quite the slacker for a tooth fairy. Today is my favorite day of the week because I can get into my bed. With fresh sheets. I would love fresh sheets. Ironed. Daily.

You know, I used to work as a PA. And that family had freshly ironed sheets. Daily.

Tony C said...

One of my first two responses to the "If I win the lottery, I'm going to..." have always been:

1. Have fresh sheets put on my bed everyday, and

2. Have a stylist do my hair before I leave the house everyday.

I guess I could save money by having the same person take care of both. Do you know any housekeeping/hair stylist? I've got a good feeling about my Powerball numbers this weekend.

Pinky Roth said...

I love some fresh sheets and the feel of them the first time you sleep in them. Am I going to have ironed pillow cases?

Mom

Brandy said...

I would have just re-washed them. Seriously. I hate ironing that much. Wait, I don't do the laundry...S does. So HE would have re-washed them.

Add me to the middle aged group because fresh sheets are amazing. The smell, the crispness...but no nutter butters for me. I prefer Oreos. Or Chips Ahoy.

Tiffany said...

The hubby is all about folding the sheets, I just wad them up and throw them in the hall closet. :)

Oh, and when I win the lottery, a professional hair washer/massager is one of the first positions I"m going to fill. :)

scargosun said...

Sigh. Your bed pic made me sleepy. ;)

I'd iron sheets for a guest room...if I had a FINISHED guest room.

Jenny and the Princess Peonies said...

Uh - I would NEVER iron pillow cases! They would so get washed all over again. You are a good daughter for doing that (or maybe you are crazy). Would you like to come iron my pillowcases?

Also, I think I will crawl into the computer and lay in that big beautiful bed with the clean sheets. Please don't wake me.

Jen said...

I love clean freshly washed sheets too. And that bed, don't even get me started on that bed. mmmmmm

Mama Dawg said...

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm darn close.

KimmyJ said...

I am so middle aged too - geesh - why'd ya have to go and remind me! :)

Brenda Jean said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA Well, how come we can't like fluffy, beautiful smelling sheets AND let's say...Spike, Edward or Angel? I think we can. Yes, I do. So, it's okay...go ahead and dream about those sheets and pillow cases.

Kim said...

Bill is all about clean sheets everyday. That is his dream, of course it doesn't happen in this house!

I wouldn't have ironed them like you did. I would have tossed them back in the washer and put them through the rinse cycle again. I'm just lazy like that!

Mrs de Miranda said...

I would LOVE to come to that bed..and then never leave it!

Dream on, dream on we will :)

CaraBee said...

When we went to Mexico for our wedding/honeymoon, we stayed in a suite at a five star resort. Seriously, it was insanely expensive. So expensive that I'll probably be 70 before we can afford it again. They changed the sheets every day and I can't say for certain but I wouldn't put it past them to have ironed them, too. Crawling into bed every night was A-MAZING! I won't even go into all the other stuff they did for us. Suffice to say, those were two of the best weeks of my life. I was meant to live that way. Sigh.

Kimberly said...

You were a River lover? OMG, I had no idea. I thought maybe you were too young. I confess, I think about him every now and then and just sigh.

And, don't hate me, but my husband does some of those things for me that you dream about. That's why I call him Mr. Right ;)

No - he's not gay.

ps: Oprah seriously makes me want to barf some days. Other days I overlook the sanctimoniousness.

Ronnica said...

I so like the idea of having clean sheets everyday. Just makes the sleep so much more luxurious. Plus, you could eat in bed without worrying about the crumbs!

CaraBee said...

PS - Speaking of Phoenixes (Phoeni?), did you see Joaquin's latest outburst. Dude is crazy.

Britt said...

I think my age is bipolar .. cause honestly, I can feel 17 and 40 at the same time. When I'm really 21. My husband is convinced I have a 60year old woman living in my head.

And sometimes I act like a pony .. and a princess .. and a ballerina .. and an opera singer ..

As for sheets, and clothes and cloth of objects of all variety, I take mine wrinkled. And generally stained beyond repair. Try finding a shirt in my closet that doesn't have a food stain somewhere around my shelf area, or a wrinkle that the manufacturer did not intend.

Rhonda said...

I haven't been over to your blog for a very long time. And, boy have I been missing out!!!

And, I just wanted to know that not only are you not alone in your 'floppage' with "buried with children", but that there are three of us at that National Geographic boobs party! lol In fact, I can't even go braless and have to sleep in a tight tank top! With a built in!

I'm sorry. Is that over sharing?

Robin said...

Aw, the dreams of a mid-thirtysomething! Sounds normal to me. heehee

And I wonder what I would ever do if I saw you in Kingsport. I'd probably embarass myself or you. I keep my eyes peeled now when I go over to Books A Million. Wouldn't that be a hoot? Maybe we ought to plan to meet up sometime!!

angie said...

Why didn't you just throw those suckers back in the washer and dryer? :) Oh, I'm with you about the luxurious bedding........

Rhea said...

I know people who iron their sheets. It's totally bizarre, completely ridiculous and totally luxurious. If someone would do it for me, I'd love it...but there is no way in hell I'm going to do it.

Sissy said...

Ok, so I would love that bed. Love it. One of my major splurges is 400 thread count sheets that I buy at TJmaxx. So soft. And, do you want to know a secret about why I fell in love with my husband? He used to work for Sealy Beds (at the corporate office) and I am now the proud owner of a king size cashmere pillow topped cloud of perfection that I lay my head on each night. Divine.

Oh, I read the Hunger Games...good stuff. Bad ending. I hate how she left it...feel free to berate me via email.

Jen said...

Oh River...why must you have left us so early? Such a loss!

Drama Mama said...

What a dream! literally! I am doing good just to get clean sheets on the bed every once and a while!

Nicole said...

I wish I had the time!!! I secretly love ironing...ooops cats out of the bag now. I just don't have the time anymore!

Marrdy said...

You are a hoot!! The thought that you would give up a few minutes with River to slip into some mighty fine sheets is endearing!

Debbie said...

I am a puddle right now...I feel so relaxed as I sat here dreaming right along with you....and truth be told, I've ironed my guest room pillow cases for the same reason but was probably watching Handy Manny with my son while doing it ;)

Heather said...

You know how I feel about this. And him. Amen.

Becky said...

I have a bottle of that Downey wrinkle spray...and GIRL!, not only does it work...no wrinkles...but it seems heavenely. The smell stays in the fabric and it is soooo refreshing. I love it.


Did I just confess my love for a laundry product?

SHIT....I must be middle aged too!

Shannon said...

Oh, that bed looks so inviting... wish it was mine! I do love some fresh sheets, too. But I've never ironed any. I hardly iron anything. The wet washcloth trick works wonders...

BPOTW said...

Amen. I knew I had passed the point when I started asking for towels for our 10 year anniversary. I got them before the date thankfully.

Angie's Spot said...

Isn't it amazing how fresh linens and comfy comforters can make everything in the world right again? And it amazes me how with each birthday, I'm more excited by things like stand mixers, Japanese knives and 800 count sheets, than anything else in the world. This getting old business is for the birds.