Wednesday, February 25, 2009

There Will Be No Orchestral Interruption.

Sunday night I watched the Academy Awards. By myself, in our guest room, where I would not be disturbed and where I could eat Funyuns in bed. Without later feeling the crunch of greasy, faux onion crumbs on my stomach while trying to dream in my own bed. See what a genius I am? (Yes, Mama...I will change the sheets and vacuum long before your visit in April.)

So after the Oscars ended I drafted my own acceptance speech, as I do every year. Just in case. No, I do not have delusions of grandeur. I fully realize I will never be nominated for Best Actress, because in any film I'd star, Jason Statham would be my lone castmate, and I don't see the Academy honoring my make-out skills. Unless they invent a "Best Smoldering On-Screen Kiss" category just for me...and for Jason...and for our steamy liplocks. Yes, I said liplocks, plural...because there'd be a lot of making out. Of course. It's not "real life," so that's allowed. (My husband said so. He wants to kiss Kate Winslet, and I'm OK with that.)
There is also the dream that one day I'll write an incredibly moving, incredibly magnificent original screenplay, which will be made into a motion picture, starring my British Triform of Brilliance:

Tim Curry, you have always been my favorite. You will always be my favorite.
timcurry Pictures, Images and Photos

David Tennant & Kenneth Branagh.




Kenneth Branagh Pictures, Images and Photos








I do not subscribe to the theory of reincarnation, however if I did, I'm certain the two of you are how Shakespeare has chosen to make his reappearance in the modern world.  The ultimate wordsmith, the most brilliant of storytellers, split into the bodies of two fine actors.



Yes, this is what I am saying.
(And I realize David Tennant is Scottish.  But he's also British, so there ya go.)









Somewhere in this film that I've written, Emma Thompson and Helen Mirren will also make an appearance. These individuals will be lauded and applauded for their fine acting talents. Meanwhile I'll be sweeping the talk show and internet interview circuit, humbly accepting praise and accolades, while quietly deflecting the inevitable question, "Why a full British cast from an American screenwriter?" I'll let my agent craft that response. Right now decorum escapes me and spouting off, "Well, duh--they're just better!" will land my cute little self in a bucket o' mess. I know better. (Clearly I've been to the Kristen Stewart school of What Not To Reveal To The Press. Her Dad needs to take lessons, too.)But I digress...

My Academy Award acceptance speech would be no less than five minutes in length, whereby I would gush and mush and cry and babble and thank everyone from Mrs. Lastinger, my very first dance instructor, to Sherin Hinnant, Sheila Keener, and Cerelia Sipe, my favorite teachers in the world of literature. I'd also thank that girl from Lincolnton, Georgia, whom I met at 4-H camp in 1985. Her name currently escapes me (Sarah, if you're reading--help me out here!), however she turned me on to the glory that is Patsy Cline. I've never been the same since.

I must also mention the person who invented Peanut M&Ms and Cool Ranch Doritos. Thanks to the bands Depeche Mode and The Smiths, for blighting my adolescence, and to Simon & Garfunkel and Van Morrison, for restoring the hope of my youth.

And how can I not mention God? Many times, for sure, because I am most grateful to Him. Mama, Dad, Eric, Logan, all my Mississippi peeps...my classmates from Russell Elementary, Rumble Junior High, Warner Robins High School, Macon College, and Liberty University. My lifelong friends, my college soulmates, these wonderful Lee County ladies, and of course...all of the truly amazing people I've met via blogging, some of whom are now "real life" friends that I would never want to live without. (I'll have a handout which lists your names and blog addresses. At my request, Wolfgang Puck gladly will place this handout in each Oscar after-party dinner menu.)

Finally, I'll spend my remaining minute barely able to speak due to my uncontrollable shaking and sobbing at the mere mention of my sweet husband and our girls. I will thank him for choosing me, for trusting me, and for being my best friend. I will thank my daughters for being my absolute dreams come true. And I will thank all three of these people for allowing me to make out with Jason Statham, should that scenario ever present itself.

There will be no political rants. No feigned fainting. No hysterics. No snotting. (I was brought up right--my Memaw's antique, monogrammed handkerchief will accompany me to the stage when I accept my award.) And if Bill Conti and his Oscar Orchestra even think of playing one single note before I've finished my full gush of verboseness, I will wail on his head.

Do not forget my ability to channel Ric Flair.

*PhotobucketThis is how it will all go down. Just in case the situation presents itself. Failure to plan is planning to fail, y'all.

28 comments:

Trish said...

ummmmmmm, okay.

themoonisdown said...

kenneth branagh was the subject of so many of my 7/8/9th grade english lit fantasies. i'd always anticipate the day we'd finish the shakespeare play and then get to watch the corresponding kenneth film. SWOON.

ps you forgot to thank truvy!

Jennifer P. said...

well--I mostly thought about Funyuns during the whole reading of that post (mmmm....Funyuns....), but I have only one thing to say:

We like you! We really like you ! :)

Now go back and edit that movie of yours to include Alan Rickman. I'll make out with him!

Lori said...

I think they do give the award for best smoldering kiss at the MTV awards so I'd hold onto that speech. Well done. I especially like that The Smiths and cool ranch doritos get a shout out. Those actors are always forgetting the ones that got them there. :)

Amy said...

Wait, that one that says Lori is me. My friend was on my laptop last night. I must take back the comment credit. xoxo

CaraBee said...

Oh Tim Curry, how do I love thee? Ever since your Oscar-worthy performance in Annie. And Kenneth, where have you been lately?

Right with you on the Peanut M&Ms and Cool Ranch Doritos! Oh my goodness, I wish I had some right now.

Live.Love.Eat said...
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Amy said...

You are too funny!

a Tonggu Momma said...

When you win (because you will), I shall pray for a standing ovation, with cut-aways to many famous stars who actually have tears in their eyes.

Kat said...

My boyfriend did an excellent job hosting Sunday night, no?

I watched in the living room with my mom. And Michael. And at one point during the show I turned to him to ask why he was watching. He didn't know. But he did think that by next year when it comes on again that he would be fully recovered and have something more important to do :-)

Brandy said...

Shoot for the MTV awards...they give out a moon man for best kiss.

wwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! That poor, poor musician.

Mama Dawg said...

It's always good to have a plan. And yours is good.

Marrdy said...

Now you've made me hungry. I too have worked on an Oscar speech each year. Alas, it can remain only a dream while I live the experience through you.

AND..Jazz music is pretty good. But those Jazz players are some mighty fine looking men!! Can you say rippling muscles?

Bekah said...

please mention my real blog and not my embarrassing blog b/c Rob is sure to be in the audience and well, that's not how he's going to hear about me for the first time.

Carrie said...

I especially like your treatment of Bill Conti. ahaha

Sissy said...
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Heather said...

I love Tim Curry and Depeche Mode...who is coming out with a new album according to ITunes. Amen.

Fabulous speech!! And when you win, you so have to hook me up with SS. You know why.

Shannon said...

This post ROCKS.

As do you, my dear... as. do. you.


Did you hear a remake of Clue is going to be made?!!?!

http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/02/why-new-clue.html

Eudea-Mamia said...

You're going to thank Cool Ranch Doritos, but give Funyuns the cold shoulder?

How Hilary Swank.

And shut your mouth Shannon - blasphemer - remaking "Clue?!"

Sun said...

That is the funniest thing I have read in quite some time.. you are hilarious.
And that is why I love you.
and other reasons..
:)ha.

Jen said...

you are right, one must always be prepared.

Blissful Babe said...

I *heart* Tim Curry.


And that is all I have to say about that.

Britt said...

I am so wishing I had a place to put a guest bed now. Just so my husband can quit griping at me about my crumbs. I always been one to eat in bed .. I'm used to the crumbs. I'm pretty sure in a few years he'll be used to it too. . . or not?

Oh and Kenneth Branagh? Don't know who he is, but totally thought he was Kiefer Sutherland. Wait .. maybe that's his *real* name? . . . Or not

Linda said...
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Valarie Lea said...
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LenaLoo said...
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Susie said...

That sounds a fantastic day dream! I'm with you on that:-)

Thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving such sweet comments. I hope to see you back there soon:-)

Queenie Jeannie said...

You are a riot to read!!!!

I love you. Just so you know.