Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Seventy-Six Trombones.

Every time I enter Walmart, Belk, Best Buy, or pretty much any store with the security sensors at the entrance/exit, the store alarm goes off. Regardless of whether I have my keys, cell, excessive bling, or whatnot. Regardless of whether I've stashed stolen goods in my purse. Just checking to see if y'all are really reading. My favorite Walmart greeter, Herschel, says it's because I have a heart of gold. Aw. Thanks, Mr. Herschel. Clearly he doesn't know me very well.
I digress.

Last night as I entered Hellmart (ahem!), the blaring nuisance announced my presence, as per usual. I barely glanced at the greeter behind me, but said offhandedly, "Yep, it's me. I'm here!"

And as per usual, the second I passed through those same sensors while exiting Hellmart, the blaring nuisance started up once again. Seriously, it's my superstore anthem. President Bush has "Hail to the Chief." I have "Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep!"

This time the greeter hurried over to me. A greeter I'd never seen before. I launch into my prepared speech: "It's just me...they go off all the time when I walk through..." He pokes and prods through my purchases, asking, "Did you buy any DVDs? CDs? Video games?" Of course not. It's just me!

He then inquires about my sweatshirt. "So, are you a Georgia fan?" Why yes--it's the reason I'm wearing this red hoodie, "GEORGIA" emblazoned across my chest. Mr. Greeter then asks, "You are so familiar. Where do I know you? What's your name?" I'm very polite in my response...."I'm Leigh Anne Litton. I'm in here twice a week, or maybe you know my husband, Scott." I wait for the obligatory, "Oh yeah--he's my doctor," or "I know Scott Sr." because I hear both of these statements at least once a week, from various lifelong residents of this little mountain town.

But Mr. Greeter gets all sparkly-eyed with recognition and says:
Wait a minute...you're the one who sets off the sensors every time! Yeah, that's where I know you from! Man, oh man! Do you have a...you know...well, any metal in you anywhere?"

Kid. You. Not. Dude went there. He certainly did.

I refer Mr. Greeter to Herschel--and his assessment of my heart of gold. And then I ran from Hellmart, practically channeling Dale Earnhardt, Jr. with my cart speed. Scott would be so proud!

My fame has proceeded me, y'all. In Walmart. With the greeters and the alarm system. I cannot make this stuff up.
Walmart Pictures, Images and Photos
{I couldn't resist. }

44 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Walmart IS evil. And yet, apparently, I support Satanism still.

Denise said...

I try to avoid Walmart at all costs but we're in a RECESSION and I have SIX kids. Sigh.... So I suck up my sanity, dignity and all kinds of other itys and suffer through.

Hey at least they know you for YOU, gold heart/hidden metal and all. Everyone knows me for my cute kids.

notsosahm said...

I had a run in once with a greeter after I set the alarms off going in (before buying anything, as you're accustomed to as well). He gave me the grilling before I could even get away from the stupid sensors that were STILL going off. We went through every option that it could be, even down to my slip ons that "might have metal in the toes." Whatever, guy, these are the Payless specials.

I get home later that day, take off my pants (the new ones I got at Loft in Florida in February for $3!!!) and they've got one of those sensor tags sewn in somewhere that I was supposed to "remove before wearing". Ooops..

Swirl Girl said...

could it be the metallic ink in the new lulu?

(and I am talking about the tattoo - get your mind out of the gutter, girl!)

Gina said...

Well, at least he recognised you from Hershell's description and didn't take you into the back to do a full body search!

Julie said...

well you cannot say you don't have any adventures in your small town :)

Jenny and the Princess Peonies said...

You are to much!

Have you ever checked to see if it is your makeup in your purse? A lot of the time the makeup has hidden sensors in them but when they get demagnitized they stop the beeping.

Or maybe if you would stop drinking animal blood...

Have a great day Miss Famous Everywhere She Goes!

CaraBee said...

I used to have a purse that set alarms off wherever I went. I think it was the metal in it or something. I don't know any of the security people around here, though, so there was more than one time where I wound up in LONG conversations with security as I tried to clear my name. Not so much fun.

Amy said...

too funny :)

Amy said...

Lula, Listen to me! Wallmart is scary, did you hear someone got trampled there on Black Friday? I'm not kidding. Think Target..........
I worry about your safety, that's all. :)

heathersister said...

Maybe you should stop drinking animal blood, hahahahahahahahaha that's funny.

It's probably something in that pink hair dye. lol

Shannon said...

I haven't even read your post yet, I'll have to come back later when I'm not trying to get 2 girls up and ready for school...

I just came by to tell you I won the Sephora gift card! WOO HOO!!!

I shall put it to very good use.

Heather said...

Girl, I don't think you could make this stuff up if you tried.

Michelle may be on to something. Have you checked the Betty box to see if the dye sets off alarms? Just sayin'.

I for sure thought you were gonna say he knew you from your blog. Seriously.

April said...

Do they ever frisk you? Do they have a poster up in the breakroom with your picture on it? Wal-Mart is out to get you!!!

momof3crazykids said...

I thought the same as Heather, I thought he was going to say your blog.
Do you carry a planner with you. You know the calendar type? One that I bought once had a tag in it. I think I got it at Target, it never went off there but anytime that I went to Walmart it did. Took me forever to figure it out.

Kori said...

Maybe those things have heat sensors and you know you set them off cause your so HOTT. lol

This was too funny. I'm totally with Mr. Herschel on the Heart of Gold you have.

Live.Love.Eat said...

LOL.

So, do you? You know, have any metal in you? It's the shank Tattoed Minivan Mom gave you, isn't it? But really, why do you think it happens, other than the obvious heart of gold?

Melissa said...

Girl, this is what blogging is truly all about. It just doesn't get any better.

I'm draggin' a little dis mornin'....you?

Kat said...

You have such fun adventures. Maybe I need to get myself to walmart for some blog fodder. Please tell me that you didn't buy Betty at hellmart.

And the alarms. Do you set them off anywhere else? Or just Hellmart? Wonder if that's anything like the fact that our TV remotes don't work unless they are pointed at my head. And it hurts when you change the channel :-)

Britt said...

And here I was thinking he said he read your blog =-) Wouldn't THAT have been something?

Tracey said...

This cracks me up!! It happens to me EVERY time I walk in that place!! I thought it was my blackberry.....it got stolen and I now carry a ghetto phone....and guess what?? still goes off! could it be the underwire?? surely not!! we couldn't be the only ones wearing a bra in walmart....well wait a minute....I live in Texas and in "hickville" at that....maybe I AM THE ONLY ONE WEARING A BRA!!
Hugs!
Tracey

Brandy said...

LMAO! Only you my dear. Only you.

And God Bless Herschel for recognizing what a great person you are. Amen.

Divine Chaos said...

ooo I -do- have metal in me, but I don't set off the alarms *le sigh*

I love your blog, just found it through a friend of mine the other day and girl, ya make me giggle lots ;)

Ashley said...

Wow! I've never heard of anyone being so famous at their local Wal-Mart. What an accomplishment!!! Haha! I imagine your alarm anthem can get quite annoying.

Jen said...

So do you, have any metal anywhere in you? I guess we all have to have some special talent, yours is exciting the alarms.

jori-o said...

You are KNOWN. Famous. A celebrity. And obviously the topic of many conversations in the WalMart staff lounge (which, as I understand it, is the bench out front.)

Rhea said...

Wow, I didn't know how famous you were. I love that the store is singing and rejoicing your approach and departure. YOu rock, Lula!

a Tonggu Momma said...

I'm not an evil empire fan myself, but I do support Target. Because - you know - you can say it with a french accent to make it sound fancier. As in Tar-zhey.

Carrie said...

Well, I was going to say you ought to take off your chastity belt before you enter the store, but then I saw that lusty sex kitten look on your face in Tiffany's Elf Yourself Vid...

ROWR!!!

p.s. I love Wal-Mart. Love it, love it, LOVE IT!

Kim said...

Well, I guess I will be setting the alarms off since I now have metal in my leg! I guess it will bleep forever on me with a metal plate and 7 screws! I'll just tell them I am friends with the other beeper lady!

ParentingPink said...

Yep, you and I have the same Walmart hell relationship going on! Too funny. Should I be scared that we both think alike? LOL

I know you find the sensor's annoying (or comforting, depending on how ya look at it) but I do think it's kinda cool that you live in a small town where everyone knows you. Up here in northern Virginia, it's a metropolis of liberals, Lexus, and strangers. Augh,need to find a small town where I can set the sensors off!

Melissa the Careful Wisher said...

Heart of Gold! That is great!

Tiffany said...

You know, my mom works for Wal-Mart (or to her, the 7th layer of hell). I'll have to see if you're in any of the training manuals. :)

Aubrey said...

Awwww...heart of gold. That you do!

greedygrace said...

I go to Wal Mart at least once a week. I hate it, but it's convenient.

(is it wrong that I totally saw the dirtiness of this post??? I read it as "Do you have any metal, you know... down there?"

Any new piercings you want to share with us? Maybe something new you got along with your tat?

I'm so naughty!

Mariah said...

I'm with Swirl Girl, could be the new ink...

Tiffany said...

Okay, these comments are hysterical.

I think Amy has it. Stay the hell away from WalMart.

You are totally famous.

sassy stephanie said...

I always go off too. The Wally World greeter asked me "do you have a TMobile phone?".

Nicole said...

Never had that at walmart but it happens EVERY time we try to leave the library.

Caroline said...

You know, they had a good thing going with the "metal somewhere in the body" thing. Better the Wal-Mart sensors going off than pissing your pants and forgetting who you are when you turn on the microwave...and at least your hair does right.

(Christmas Vacation - but you knew that already)

Karin @ 6ByHisDesign said...

Lula, Lula, Lula,
Where have you been?! I don't know what happened, but I left you for a while, and I promise, I pinki-swear, I ... you get the picture...I'll never stray again!

You.Are.Stinkin.Hilarious.

I don't know why I hadn't done this before. You are now in my favorites. I laugh. Til I cried. And I'll be back tomorrow.

God love ya.
You're a legen in your own time. WalMart time.
~k

Shannon said...

Hey...I haven't been by in awhile but this story was funny! Have you figured out what it is? Why does it go off? That is so weird!
Looks like you and the girls had fun on your whirlwind twilight trip.

Heather said...

Satan created Wal Mart...and now we know he greets there as well.

Shannon said...

Girl, you do have a heart of gold. And I love you for it.