Thursday, January 15, 2009

Pretty Soon I'll Need A Room To Hold 'Em All.

I've long been convinced that we mothers are racking up imaginary awards and trophies and points and badges for the victories we encounter in the every day routine. Didn't scream at little Sally when she wrote on your newly hung wallpaper? SCORE! You get an award. Took your child and a van full of other kids to the park, remembering to bring snacks, juice boxes. repellent, and SPF 50? AWESOME! You've earned a medal, super mom!

I tally my little awards a few times every month. It keeps me sane and gives me something to do. I'm not busy enough with raising my kids, hanging with my husband, being a chauffeur, cook, maid, teacher, friend, foe...

Most of my trophies are on the small scale, but I have a few really shiny ones which warrant special attention. I've endured and persevered in categories such as:

That Time Libbey Threw Up 2 Hot Dogs (i.e. A Bojillion Chunks) All Over Her Bedroom When I Was 9 Months Pregnant With Her Baby Sister.

and

The Night A 3-Week Old Caroline Shot Shadoobie Across The Room And Some Of It Got In My Mouth.
(Yeah, it happened...I'm not painting the picture for you, though.)

or my current favorite,

When I Refrained From Beating The Fire Out Of Caroline For Hiding In A Rack Of Clothes At Kohl's While Every Mother In The Store Gave Me That "What Kind of Mother Loses Her Child?" Look Of Incredulity When I Ran Frantically Through The Store Sobbing Her Name.
Yeah. That one's a big honkin' trophy.


Tuesday night (well, Wednesday morning, really) I earned another award. It's a small plaque, but it's brass-coated and awfully nice, and I figured I'd share it with y'all.

Libbey woke at 3:00 in the morning and came to tell me, "I almost thew up but I swallowed it back down." I was still completely asleep and unable to comprehend her name, much less process her story of re digesting bile. I put her in bed between me and Scott and resumed my slumbering status.

Thirty minutes later I was dreaming of a waterfall. Then I realized the waterfall was, in fact, a geyser of puke.

Another thirty minutes later, after Scott cleaned and changed both he and Libbey, and after I'd stripped the bed, put on new sheets, cleaned myself and the area surrounding the bed and bathroom, we all fell back asleep. For thirty minutes.

We then lathered, rinsed, & repeated, as needed, for the rest of the night.

I've totally earned every bit of my newest plaque. I'll mentally hang it in my virtual trophy room while browsing the aisles at Target over the weekend. Why yes, I do need those Converse wedge tennies! They'll position me higher so I can hang my latest award just so.

44 comments:

Trish said...

I am in awe of the way that you can take something as disgusting as vomit and turn it into eloquent prose.

Yep, been there, done that.

We started paying our kids $5 to puke in the toilet!! They are highly motivated by money.

Hope she feels better soon!

Kristina P. said...

Congrats on your new award!!

Rhea said...

Shadoobie in the mouth should earn you a new car. Just sayin'...

Geyser of puke is an image that will stay with me for a while...and give me nightmares...or flashbacks to me own little geyser moments of glory.

Poor Libby. Hope she's doin' better now.

Britt said...

I too have been shot with shadoobie by an irristibly cute infant.

I kept telling my darling husband about it in the morning, and he would just give me this look and say, "That's gross."

Then one night he witnessed it. And as I stared in shock (because it ALWAYS surprised me) at the mess covering me, he very loudly exclaims, "How does she DO that?!?"

I fervently hope you never have to wake up in a fountain of vomit ever again. And I hope poor Libbey feels better soon!

Gina said...

I'm thinking that it should be plated in 24k gold and presented to you by Jason himself.

Elena said...

Yep, you've got good trophies lady. Shadoobie in the mouth??? That deserves first place. And Trish paying $5 for toilet shots, is HILARIOUS!!

Julie said...

we all do need those rewards don't we. I remember changing Eli while his brother is sleeping next to me pulling off sheets and thinking, I am so thankful Jasper hasn't woken up yet... Amen to mommy awards!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Wow, I've been robbed. Where are my awards?

Amy said...

I'll be the first to admit I get NO award for 'get up in the middle of the night with a sick child' category. I am grouchy and groggy and not very loving to a 3am puking kiddo who can not aim for the toilet. Uggh.

Amy said...

I gotta tell you, that's totally gross but you made it funny. I'm sorry she's sick. I'm sorry you once got poop in your mouth and I'm sorry those bitchy Mom's couldn't help you find her instead of mentally judging you.
I will tell you, the other night Chase told me he threw up in the middle of the night. I didn't believe him, he has been the little boy who cried wolf. Then the next day Marc told me he cleaned up a little puke by the toilet in Chase's bathroom. I guess I have to give back one of my awards. Whoops. :)

Sissy said...

Um, no one told me that motherhood might include shadoobie in the mouth. NOT ONE PERSON. Nope. And here I've been dying to be a mom? Hmmmm. Maybe I should rethink this. :)

Pinky Roth said...

Hope Libbey is feeling better...bless her little heart...

Heather said...

When Morgan was a baby, I was staying with Michelle to help out with Danielle and change a few diapers here and there.

Oh, yeah, you know that little stinker shadoobied all over his Aunt Heather. I was all like, what was that?! And Michelle was laughing so hard, I'm pretty sure she peed her pants. I didn't think it was all that funny at the time. Yuck.

January. The season of stomach bugs. What are the chances that the rest of you will remain unscathed? Slim to none, I'd say, being positioned as you were under the geyser of puke.

I'll be praying for you.

Live.Love.Eat said...

OMG! I am not sure which is worse my friend - the shadoobie (this word I never knew before and have said it twice in the past week since you mentioned it) in the mouth or frantically looking for her while she was hiding. Oh, what you have been through. Here is another award >-] That's a big glass of wine filled with mommy juice.

Denise said...

Cleaning up chunks of food (in my case green beans) out of the carpet: Check

Shadoobie in the mouth: Not checked, but got baby spit up in the mouth-- not quite as bad

Losing child in Kohl's (and Walmart and Target) and frantically screaming child's name: Check.

I need a trophy room too!

The waterfall of vomit can just stay in Virginia, thank you very much!

Kat said...

I am not going to say a work lest I jinx my life.

But I am so sorry that you have earned all those trophies.

Tracey said...

Definitely deserve an award for that one! One tiny little thought.....do we get awards/points taken off when we DO loose it (ie loose our patients, scream at children, etc.?)
Just wonderin?

Hugs!
Tracey

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, I've had those nights.

I didn't know we earned imaginary trophies. Who do I speak to to get my trophies awarded to me? I have a feeling I need to build a new room in my house.

heathersister said...

Ahhhh yes. The sweet reward of motherhood. So does this mean that you all missed the sick holiday between your birthday and Christmas and it has fallen in January. 'Cause ya know Caroline is next! Then it will probably be your turn. Sorry.

heathersister said...

In reference to Heather's story:

It was very funny. That boy could shoot some shit. He did it at the doctor's office once, it went across the room and hit the wall. The nurse jumped out of the way just in time. Heather was just not fast enough.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Okay... how TOTALLY cool would it be to REALLY have those things? You know on shows like Cribs where they have their cases to hold their Grammies and stuff like that... we could have little golden toilets or bronzed diapers.

And thanks for the ispriation for my post today.

CaraBee said...

You definitely deserve an award for all of those, but in particular for Libbey's Exorcist-style vomitganza.

It's funny, I was at Jo-Ann's Crafts once and a mother had lost her child much like you at Kohls. The little girl (she was absolutely tiny, almost miniature) had tucked herself into a rack of foam. My best friend found her because she was very quietly saying "Mom." Meanwhile the mom was completely wigging out. I felt for all of them. I'm thinking those kid leashes aren't such a bad thing.

Carrie said...

Poo mouth is definitely deserving of an award. ick.

I think I quit reading after that. blech.

*shiver*

a Tonggu Momma said...

So... what were you wearing exactly when you accepted your award?

Laura said...

EW!!!!! It's all gotta be worth it one day, Sista!

Brandy said...

I'm sorry but I cannot congratulate you on those things...they may have been well earned AND you should be rewarded for handling them, but celebrate I cannot do. I just feel too sick...oh the shadoobie of it all!

Ashley said...

Geez, girl! You deserve those trophies... I cringe in empathy for you. Haha! ;)

Swirl Girl said...

ah yes, the ole chunk geyser guilt award. I have a few of those myself.

Marrdy said...

Congratulations on your latest award. I hope you don't get many more of these in your lifetime. They belong to someone else now, you've had your turn!

Jen said...

Oh yeah, I have been there too and totally you deserve the award. I wish that the awards made the kids all better though, that would be a real award.

Linda said...

I didn't realize there were awards for that stuff, I've been missing out ... I'm going to be bringing this to everyone's attention. Just so they know. It would make my job so much more tolerable during those award winning moments, don't you think? Or instead of trophies, how about fine jewelry?

Mama Kat said...

Oh LAWDY! That visual is more than I could ask for today. You're killing me...tears...tears in my eyes from supressing the laughter right now.

Poor baby...I hope she's feeling better today!!

scargosun said...

Just sooooooo ew!

I am adding stomach bug to the list of reasons as to why I probably should not have kids.

April said...

Geyser of puke....really Lula, where do you come up with this?

Hope Libbey is feeling better now!

Kristin said...

Many of the awards on my wall are earned during boughts of vomit and diarrhea too. Why is that?

Melissa said...

Geyser of vomit? What kind of thesaurus do you use? You're killin' me.

Love you...k.....bye.....:)

Shannon said...

We both know Mike Rowe has had some nasty stuff in his mouth... but he's got nothing on you! Baby-shadoobie in the mouth trumps sheep balls anyday.

Hope Libbey's feeling better :)

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

Absolutely hate those nights. Wonder what figurine would be on the top of that trophy.

letterstorob said...

love your blog! and the recommendations.. and i'm listening to sex on fire on your playlist, for the 2nd time in a row :)

Nicole said...

OMG I laughed so hard about your 3 week old and her nice shot! I had the same thing happen to me and I am still traumatized from it. Hit me right in the cheek. Eeeewwww.

Sunshine said...

Shadoobie..
in the mouth...

Ohmigosh...I almost threw up when I read it..but, I was laughing.
ha.

Tiffany said...

Oh girl.

TheRightWife said...

Oh, god. Poo? In the mouth? Mike peed on his own face yesterday, but thankfully missed mine!

But, thank you for reminding me to write down every trophy I earn over the next 18 years so I can bring them up as my child is growing up for guilt trip purposes :)

themoonisdown said...

and your newest award is best comment of the day... and/or best comment in the short existence of our site!

ps you make me want to run out and have 5 kids right now! (with rob) shadoobie in your mouth? dear lord. that drink i had an hr ago doesnt feel so good now! :D

letterstorob/twilight.com