Monday, May 26, 2008

Precise Placement (tm)

I don't know about y'all, but I love & fully appreciate the edifying comments offered on my behalf by the people who live in this house with me. While I sometimes struggle with compliments given by friends or acquaintances, I have no problems letting my family lavish the praise. They can pour it on thick and I'll just swim right with that current. I mean, come on...my daughters & husband actually believe I'm beautiful! Like Grace Kelly gorgeous. Wow! Scott is convinced I'm going to write the next great American novel...any day now! (And then he can retire!) Caroline tells me several times a day that I'm her "best friend." Awwww. Libbey wants to know why I'm busting my baby-got-back-boo-tay on the elliptical machine because, as she exclaims convincingly, "But you're not fat, Mommy!" Best. Daughter. Ever. EVER! Remind me to get her eyes checked.

Yes, praise & affirmation are good things. I'll happily take that form of glory whenever and wherever I receive it, even if it's the thousandth "You so pretty!" I've heard from Caroline on any given day. Sometimes we are blessed with compliments from total strangers ("I love your purse/shoes/haircut!" or "Your child is really well-behaved."), and then we have those moments when a pal rocks our world ("I'm proud to have you for a friend!"), and life just feels perfect, even if for a moment.

I don't know what problems, struggles, or trials any of you are facing right now. I can't even begin to imagine the issues some of you are dealing with on a daily basis. Stressed out, worn out, burnt out, flat out on the floor...whatever you're feeling today, I can offer you support via generous offerings of encouragement. That's what friends are for, of course.

But there's one other thing I can grant by way of edification. Trot your little merry self down to Walmart, Target, or wherever you purchase various sundries and such, and pick up a box of Playtex Sport tampons.

Yes, you read that correctly. Playtex Sport. The box is pink and green (a bonus right there, as those happen to be my two favorite colors, as well as the required hues of preppies around the world) and emblazoned with hair-swinging gals shaking their groove thang, wanting us to fully believe that we can get down, girl, go 'head, get down while menstruating. Can I get a woot-woot up in here? (Some Kanye & Jamie Foxx would be rad, too.)

Why tampons, you ask? No, it's not 'cause they've just added a free Snickers bar with every purchase. (Tiffany, why aren't the tampon peeps reading your blog?) Nor is it because I want all you gals to experience the joy that is "360 degree coverage," as stated on the back of the box. It's because each and every Playtex Sport wrapper is adorned with encouraging, edifying statements the likes of which you will not believe. Here we go y'all:

*You've got the moves! (While wearing a tampon? Maybe it's the "Oops, didn't get this in all the way" shimmy that sometimes occurs. Too much information, eh?)

*Go the extra mile! (In this tampon! In fact, go 50 miles--see if it holds out. Then I'll be impressed!)

*Girl, you Rock! (Yeah, I rock the Granny Panties, as I'll not risk my coveted Body by Victoria Secret drawers during this time of the month!)

*Life is a sport...play to win! (Playtex 10--Kotex--0! Go, Playtex, Go!)

*Challenge yourself. (To find a better form of internal protection.)

*Show your period who's captain. (Aye-Aye, sir! Wait, am I the Captain or is my period? )

*Who cares if you win or lose--play the game! (I care, especially if this thing leaks and I have to add an extra step to my laundry duties! That ain't no way to play the game, folks!)

And my own personal favorite:

*Take the Plunge! (OK, sure...let me get a firm grasp on this "no-slip-grip" plunger here and I'll be takin' it to the streets. Well, not the streets. You know what I mean. Ew.)

I should have prefaced this post by saying that I am an enormous reader. I'll read whatever's in front of me. Cereal box, shampoo (I have the Biolage Normalizing Shampoo description memorized!), junk mail, my husband's medical journals (lancing a boil located near the perineum? Ewwwwww!), or even a magazine I've already flipped through 13 times. But I can honestly say that I've never read a tampon label, or even checked to see if anything other than "Do Not Flush Applicator" is written upon one. Imagine my surprise last month when I looked down at the little green wrapper and found, "Girl, you rock!" staring back at me. I told a friend, "I just received a written 'hug' of affirmation from my tampon! Did you know that I rock?" Since we were talking via phone I cannot verify her eye rolling, but I'm quite certain those pupils moved in a small circular motion, whether she'll admit it or not.

Truthfully, I am rather thankful I didn't stumble upon (or should I say "squat?") this discovery while using a public restroom. Now I'm gonna get totally real here, and I apologize if you're offended in any way. Because I for one think there is nothing worse than having to deal with tampon insertion while a line of strangers stand a mere six feet away.

Can she see through this crack in the door?
Gross, this stall is nasty!
How fast can I do this without it being obvious as to what's going down in here?

Had I read, "Girl, you rock!" while in the bathroom at Old Navy, I'm quite certain my whoop of joy (Yep, it says so right here on this wrapper--whether you believe it or not, I rock!) would have been relayed throughout the store on those annoying headsets worn by their employees:

Uh, Linda...you getting this? Some chick in here is freaking out in stall #4...oh, Lord, bring the mop, it'll probably be bad.

Yes, God is good in that He knows when to preserve my integrity. And it's obviously not here, as I am doing an entire post on t-a-m-p-o-n-s. I might as well throw in sphincter, bowel movement, vulva, and Brazillian wax, just in keeping with the general theme of this area.

(Just now my mother exited Lulaville and is currently preparing her faux admonishment at my discussing this in "public." Hey, Mama--at least it's not boobs, my preferred body part. I'm saving my breast feeding glory stories for later on.)

There you have it, ladies. Dress 'em up in little skirts and hand 'em some pom-poms. Team Playtex Sport is ready to cheer you through whatever dark hour may come your way. The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders may have their own reality TV show and other ample endowments, but they've got nothing on the support that comes from the wrapper of internal protection, rooting us on through cramps, bloating, zits, and that overall not-so-fresh feeling we experience every month. The tampon...weapon of choice for really mean high school girls (witness: the shower scene in Carrie), and a good solution for a bleeding nose (raise your hand, Sex and the City fans--poor, poor Steve...walking in on Miranda & Robert, and oh, the humiliation...).

The tampon, redeeming itself by providing mini cheers in a box. And really, y'all...couldn't we use a few more encouraging shout-outs in our day? Rah-rah-rah, my tampon says I rock and I have the moves. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!



72 comments:

Kelly said...

i guess better for your tampons to talk to you than your toilet paper. cause what would *it* say?

Melissa said...

Okay, I was sent to your blog by a friend and I must say, this is hysterical. Did you hear about the lady who wrote in to Always? Have a happy period? What's happy about it....? Thank you for your candid rant about a woman's favorite time...Melissa

Pinky Roth said...

I know there must be something else you can comment on besides this! Leave it to you to find the bright side of household items or should I say personal care items...

Mom

Heather said...

Oh my stars. "Gold Digger" AND "Shining Star" in the same post!!! It's too good.

And...I almost shot my Curves cereal right outta my nose while reading this. Funniest post EVER!!! Seriously. You buy those fancy schmancy tampons and see...changed your life. My generic cardboard applicators just aren't doing much for me these days. Very uninspiring.

Kat said...

You do rock. A post about tampons. Who knew they could be so funny. But they would be so much improved with some m&ms included. But I'm not sure that I want music to announce that I am opening said box :-)

Tori said...

I'm so thankful that I hadn't started drinking my coffee when I read this.... otherwise, I think it would be all over my computer and keyboard by now! Leave it to you to discuss tampons! LOL!

Mrs. Romero said...

My mind went exactly with Heather's... you managed to work "Gold Digger" into a post about tampons. I.Love.it.

This post is a classic... and so are you (in a Grace Kelly kind of way).

We are so friends. BFFs..

insane mama said...

show your period who is captain? Are you serious? Who the "F" thought of that? Mind as well say
"whos your daddy?"
Oh the things google will send to your page

Debbie said...

Wow, I just woke up from a dream about you! I dreamt that you wrote up a post about all the affirmation we can receive from a box of monthly protection. No way was that real...No way!

Infarrantly Creative said...

Ohmyhead, that is all I have to say.

Kim said...

Almost makes me wish I still needed those things! NOT! I still enjoyed the post!

Carrie said...

Alright, you know how you made the type size get small, then regular, then small, then regular?

Edifying became edible and I got really confused about just how green do we need to be, but now I am understanding things better with my reading glasses.

Thanks for the belly laugh!

Heather said...

You have GOT to submit this one.

Stephanie said...

Ok, Ms. Lula. You are TOO funny!! I just came across your blog and you will now be a regular - and that is no reference to your cycle, b/c I have no idea about that... lol

Tamara said...

I so love that "EightCrazy" invites all her friends over to her friends sites - between you and Heather I am a seriously happy blogger - this post is brilliant. Now if our pads with wings would bust out some lyrical tunes when we peeled the strips - I'm thinking a minimum of a "You rock" comment on the peel off paper - come on! Now I'm going to be looking! Thanks for the insight.

Elisa said...

This proves once and for all tht Playtex has out well-being in mind much more than Tampax (I didn't find any chocolate in my last boxes, either!) - that's it. I'm changing brands TODAY!

Great blog BTW :-)

Mama Dawg said...

Fabulous, utterly (or udderly) fabulous.

Can I use one of your responses to the quote on the wrapper on my blog under my random quote section? I promise to give full credit!

Thanks,

Emily

Lisa said...

The best. tampon. post ever. I was cracking up loud. I almost peed my pants.

And you do rock.

Jennifer P. said...

I had to follow the link from Tiffany's blog and read this. I love a good tampon post. I just know any man reading this will be all shades of red....

And I've noticed a lot of stuff giving me "words of affirmation" lately---my yogurt lids, my little Dove chocolates, the sticks on my Creamies popsicles (those tell me to go indulge myself again---that one might work for the tampons too...). I think jokes about periods would actually be more entertaining. I'll have to think of some and start my own company ....

Embracing the Ordinary Day said...

LOl...they really do rock, and so do you....love that your express yourself here...no matter what the topic...I will be changing brands myself, because if I'm going to have to plug, might as well feel a little pat on the back too...

BTW came from SITS...glad to meet ya.

Embracing the Ordinary Day said...

LOl...they really do rock, and so do you....love that your express yourself here...no matter what the topic...I will be changing brands myself, because if I'm going to have to plug, might as well feel a little pat on the back too...

BTW came from SITS...glad to meet ya.

Kells said...

Show your period who's captain. LOL. My goodness, my Guinness that is really hilarious.

What's next? Birth control that hums a happy little tune to remind us we've not yet taken it?

Too much.

Great post.

Jennifer P. said...

Was sitting here eating my little dark Chocolate Dove candies (cause thats what I do at 1:52 am...)--and my wrapper says: "Don't think about it so much". That one would be good on a tampon, no?! :)

Never could think of a joke though. I'd have to contact the Laffy Taffy people about helping me out...

Toni said...

I have never noticed this I must go and get a box for the upcoming arrival of my guest. Great blog

Debbie said...

Best tampon post ever! Hilarious!

andrea said...

histarical!

Sheri said...

Too funny! My computer monitor thanks you for it's sudden milk bath. Keep up the great writing!

Kristi said...

I believe you need to be the beauty editor for the lastest trends in Cosmo - Hilarious!

Karen said...

Oh dear (wipes tears from eyes)... :-)

Lulu...you definitely rock :-)

Sunshine said...

Okay, so I was laughing all the way through this, girl (we all are) and I would LOVE IT if my tampon wrapper was like one of those musical cards. Yes please.

You got a good laugh out of me when you said you read everything. I too have memorized the backs of my shampoo bottles. Me too. Me too.

Oh and yes...one of my faaaves in the public bathroom is the sound of opening the wrapper. Love that one too. Not.

And I agree w/the tampon. You rock.

Saw ya through SITS!

Blarney said...

I gave up the whole perioding thing years ago but read everything as well. Have you taken a look at Vitamin Water labels? Pretty good stuff!

Jaci said...

You are hilarious! I'm totally adding you to my blog so I don't lose you. :)

Judy Haley said...

Oh yes, I read everything too. Apparently so does my husband. Shortly after we got married he stepped out of the bathroom holding the Toxic Shock Syndrome warning label from the tampons and asked me if it was really a good idea that I was using them. Aw, he loves me.

Kotex uses a little red dot in their marketing. Isnt that cute? And Always has been using the "have a happy period" line on their product. But those just can't top "Take the Plunge!"

Sherri said...

Well ---we all need a little encouragement at that time of the month.

Simply Stork said...

It looks to me like an invitation...it's pink and green and there are lots of ladies dancing on the box...that's it!...It's a period party and we're all invited :o)

~simply~

Rhea said...

Well, I'm going to have to go out and buy these little fortune cookie applicators of encouragement. Sounds awesome!

My favorite part of this post was the whoop of joy in th Old Navy bathroom that probably prompted the "clean up in stall 4" comment. ROFL You are hilarious!

Melanie said...

Hilarious! You should check out the Snapple lids, they are a hoot!!

Melanee said...

"Show your period who is captain"??? What does that even mean? Somewhere, some man is having himself a hearty laugh! Just like I am right now!

http://mothersmilkblog.com

Talisman said...

Ah that awesome marketing is exactly why I tried those tampons out. And hated them. And went back to OB. ;)

Talisman said...

Glad it didn't start to burn instead. ;)

Talisman said...

Crap posted the above comment on the wrong post. *goes to re-post it on the right post*

insane mama said...

Whoa, mama..
I AM SO GLAD I FOUND YOU!
Wanna get married or something?
Any ideas on how to put sayings on the little OB tampons? cause they are so comfy!

Adiel said...

Two things:

1) I know want to try this brand of tampons.

2) Funniest thing I've read so far today.

Stephanie said...

This is just as funny the second time around!! :)

Angie said...

"Oops, didn't get this in all the way" shimmy that sometimes occurs. "
*SNORT*

Nichole Jolene said...

did i read right? were you talking on your phone while pottying? is that allowed? always wondered the protocol on that! funny post thoroughly enjoyed you as the featured SITS blogger~you rock! really, it's not just the tampon saying that ;P

Hairline Fracture said...

Who were the people who wrote those affirmations? Crazy!

Tracy P. said...

Phone talking pottiers unite! Redeem the time, I say!

No kidding, who comes up with these things! "Show your period who's captain" ????

Mama's Losin' It said...

I'm off to purchase a box right now, and I'm not even ON my period. Just makes me want to wear them all month long!!

Neurotically Yours: said...

The brand I use and I never noticed the sayings!!

You do ROCK!!

-Bridget said...

Well, normally I am a Kotex kind of girl. But who couldn't use a little positive affirmation like that? I'm going to go buy a box and hang them individually in my cubicle as reminders of how much I rock and am ready to take the plunge. Some may have Dilbert cartoons, fortunes from a cookie from Panda Express, or those dumb Inspirations posters for their cubbie. Not me. I've got a whole new decorating scheme in mind.

Gina said...

Pink and Green are MY favorite colors, too!!!
I think we should just lay the individually wrapped tampons all around our bathroom so that everyone can experience the cheering! wouldn't that be cute?!?!?!

Danielle said...

"Show your period who's Captain" has to be my favorite!

But seriously? Mine is the freakin' CZAR around here. There is no showing that sukah anything but begs for mercy.....

EmBee said...

This post just confirms that my hysterectomy was the wisest choice I ever made.
:-)

Tausha said...

i have read this hillarious comment before. You see, before I knew you, I was a lurker. No, I am not proud of former actions, but I will admit them and move on.
Really, is Tampax serious in thinking that if they possitive affiermations on the wrappers of a tampon, it would make the whole reason why we have to use this product a little better or more comfortable or even enjoyable? i think not tampox, I think not. If you included a bag of mm&s and a coupon for a free fountaion drink of your choice. Then, maybe Tampax could maybe make our monthly ride a little more comfortable. Enjoyable-never even in the vicinty of the whole idea!

At Home Redesigns said...

I'll never look at them the same again!

Jessica said...

not a tampon woman here, i've only used a handful. I'm so glad I dont have to wear those or the diapers now. :) thanks to Mirena.

Kristin said...

I want them to do a contest like Willy Wonka....whoever had the golden ticket wins a million dollars. Can you imagine that moment in the mall bathroom? hehe - love your writing!

Lori said...

Hum, I actually possess the exact box in the picture and can't say I've ever noticed any motivational sayings. I'll have to check it out. I'm sure it will make ALL the difference.

Michelle said...

I totally agree on the affirmations (in fact, I blogged about it this weekend!). AND my health club was giving out samples of this particular tampon this weekend, and I grabbed a sample box and stuck it in my workout bag. I almost can't wait for my next period to use them!

And seriously, there's a Snickers bar inside? If so, I'm sold!

Missy said...

Oh, wow... Lula, you have absolutely made my day! Your posts are like a crazy roller coaster ride, where you aren't sure exactly where they're going, but you love every second of the ride! And I have tampons on my grocery list for this week, so you'd better be darn sure I'll be purchasing this sassy brand!

my2boyz said...

Speechless, laughing too hard

lfamily5 said...

So surprised...had no idea! Great post!

Jackie said...

I love your work!
: )

Jill said...

Who THOUGHT of this? Super funny post :)

Laurel said...

So on a practical level how are "sport" variety any different than the "regular" variety. Wait - don't answer that.

Hilarious post - thanks.

LaQuintamomof3 said...

Not sure how I missed this post-- you are HILARIOUS! COUld use the affirmative tampon last week, have to check these out.
Now if I could get my workout sweats to say, yaeh you can do it-- come on, let's go to the gym, you are looking so good...
I will keep coming back.
SITS

Natalie said...

LOL! Too funny. I'm envisioning fortune cookie versions...with translations of words like cramps and bloated translated into Chinese on the back of our fortunes..."you will lose 5 lbs of water weight in about 6 days from now" :-P

TMI said...

Thanks for keepin it real! Too funny.

Bar-b said...

I didn't want to comment b/c I didn't want to ruin your 69 but oh well.

You're funny.

Met you through SITS. will be back ;)

kallay said...

I totally use Playtex Sport, they really are amazing. And good for you for saying so!! :) Good luck on the novel! I would read it. Just sayin.

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Cute sayings on those wrappers! How funny!

Congrats on your SITS day!