Thursday, September 25, 2008

In Which My Mother Negates Her Right To Parental Discretion.

Wednesday, September 24, 9:30 pm.

Me: If I blogged about wanting to pole dance would that freak you out?

Mama: LEIGH ANNE!

Me: I don't mean in public, I mean at home...in private...you know, for exercise. And for Scott.
It's something I've always wanted to try, and a lot of my friends have done it.

Mama: I can't believe you even asked me this. But I don't care if you want to do it in public, that's your business. Did I tell you where our seats are on the plane to Vegas? They're in the very back, nowhere near y'all. Your brother is going to die...

Me: Wait! Mama, I am NOT going to pole dance in public. Have you lost your mind? Could you see me getting up on a pole?

Mama: That's your business I guess. I wouldn't do it.

Me: Well thank God for that! I've heard it's really good exercise, but hard to learn, and fun once you're decent at it.

Mama: Where would you put the pole? In the basement or in the exercise room?

Me: Mama, you are not listening to me. I'm not really going to pole dance...it's just a pipe dream. You know, after I lose more weight...

Mama: What does Scott think about this? Does he know you're wanting a pole in the house?

Me: Are you even hearing me? You are not getting the point--it's just a fantasy--I don't think I'll ever do it. I don't know. Maybe I will. One day.

Mama: I'm watching America's Got Talent. It's getting to the end and most of these people are pretty boring, so I don't even know why I'm watching...




This is how much she cares, y'all. Seriously. She raised me to be a southern lady, to have decency and decorum. I still say "ma'am," and "sir," as do my daughters. I don't leave the house without wearing lipstick. My thank yous are handwritten, on monogrammed stationery. And I wouldn't dream of wearing anything remotely formfitting without first donning the Spanx. Please allow me to quote my beloved Steel Magnolias:

Truvy: I haven't left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was fourteen!
Clairee: You were brought up right.

Here I am thinking, "Mama will whip me if I go near the words 'pole' and 'dance.'" But darn if she doesn't already have me on some poorly-lit stage in a smoky club, writhing to Motley Crue or Poison, swinging in a G-string while drunk buffoons leer and cheer me on.

I'm thinking maybe she just wants a share of my tips.

And for the record...I would love to try pole dancing...with a group of girls, in a private setting. After years of lessons maybe I'd be decent enough to shimmy and swirl in a hot pink leather catsuit. I already have my song picked out:

"Supermassive Black Hole," by Muse. It's my pole song. Don't go stealing it from me.

Mama, you'll get the first performance. I promise.

48 comments:

Julie said...

That was so funny... and I have also heard it is great exercise... you should try it out!

JourneytoFamily said...

Oh man... the first thing I think of would be pole burns on the thighs. NOT pretty. I couldn't even handle sliding down a fireman's pole. I'm scared of the pole.

I do belly dance though. ;)

KJ Schiffman said...

I JUST told Eric I have this pipe dream too. Something in me just wants to give it a go, you know? Hilarious. Again. My Mom would react much the same way.

And amen to the above belly dancer. I rotate workouts with belly dancing and let me tell you, it works the abs, girl! It really does!

Heather said...

Is this the long awaited pole dancing post? The one that blogger ate? How dare he?!

I won't steal your song. 'Cause I won't be pole dancing. I don't have a dancing bone in my body. You'd have to get me pretty drunk to even think about it!

So...are you gonna get a pole in your basement by November? :)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

If you do it, I'll do it!

angie said...

I didn't cut my hair. It's tucked under my noggin.

I could totally "hear" your mom exclaiming LEIGH ANNE!

I think she wants a cut of your tips too. I think she's even thinking how lucrative it could be on a plane. Hum.......something to think about. :)

Loved this post!

Amy said...

Okay that was hysterical. I love your mom. You better call the airline and try to change her seats!!
The pole is fun, but seriously it gets old and then it's just another dust collector. Try a class somewhere first before you buy one (if you did) like when you are in Vegas. You should investigate now cause you could totally take a class out there. Maybe you could bring your Mom with you. :)

Dawn said...

That is hysterical!! She will be there for your first performance lol.

heathersister said...

Dang you are funny. I think your mom is just in denial. You are CRAZY girl, but I can't wait to see the pole. Hehe

Sissy said...

My mother would be rolling her eyes and getting on her knees if I said I was going to pole dance. She'd be dousing me with holy water and lighting candles, even though we're not Catholic.

Shelley said...

Yeah, what do moms know about fantasies anyway, huh? Maybe she has already tried it. Those moms get pretty wild after the chillens move out.

Mrs. S said...

I wish I could've been there for the conversation. I think you should try it. I'd love to...also in a private setting with only my closest girlfriends...no by myself. ha!

Caroline said...

If you're gonna pole dance in public, you need a good "stripper" name like "Buffy", "Candy", or perhaps "Ginger". Somehow its hard to picture a dancer named Leigh Anne or Lula. Not that I know what "dancers" look like or anything. I'm just sayin'.

And you might need the vibrating bed for later if you're pole dancing for
Scott. Again, I'm just sayin'.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

My mom would probably add me to the prayer chain if I told her that....

BUT

When we take our bloggie buddies cruise, we will TOTALLY have pole dancing!!!!

Heather said...

Perfect pole dancing song. Mine is Paralyzer, but you already knew that. Highly recommend the class. It's too much fun!!

KimmyJ said...

Been to the class - laughed so hard I almost peed myself - which is not sexy. haha! Had a ball though. You will get bruises and pole burns in weird places, just a warning. :)

sassy stephanie said...

Girl, I say go for it. Find a group class near you and give it a "whirl". Just save the pasties and g-string for your man.

Lauren W said...

Yeah, my mom would so totally tell me what a great idea it would be to pole dance for my hubby, and then she would want to know everything so that she could hook my sister up.
It's definitely something that has crossed my mind. It's kinda a running joke between Josh and myself :)

Mama Dawg said...

I feel a road trip for all your followers if you ever do go public.

No cameras, I promise.

By the way, no one has actually BOUGHT the earrings yet. They're still up on my etsy store if you wanna go snag 'em. Katie just said she wanted them but she didn't actually purchase them. So, knock yourself out!

Karen said...

Your Mum is so funny :-)

Don't know whether I'd want to try pole dancing. I slid down a fireman's pole once (that really does sound bad!!). It was on a visit to the local fire station with one of my kid's class. I ended up with pole burns!!

I really wan to learn to belly dance though...

Kori said...

Ok between your post and Karen's comments about pole burns. OMGosh! I have laughed out loud at work and have gotten some really strange looks. I really needed a good laugh. Thanks!

Heather said...

Oh, you poor thing. Maybe it's better that your mother didn't think too much about it and take it too seriously. My mother would not have even known what to say!

{stoppin' in from Mama's Losing It)

Brandy said...

Hysterical as always! I think it sounds exciting, but kinda dangerous too...did someone mention pole burns?? I don't wanna know.

~must pick out my pole dancing song~

Your quote was right after this:
Clairee Belcher: Looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket.

They were talking about the Mayor's wife. Love that movie!!!

Pinky Roth said...

When you called, I did not know you were going to quote me word for word! I am embarrassed now...

Mom

Britt said...

LOL .. Belly dancing I can handle. But the pole scares me .. especially after reading about the burns mentioned above. Eek!

Your pole song rocks .. but the guys in the vid were creeping me out, for realio

Rhea said...

I love your pole song...and the conversation with your mother. Lula, you're hilarious.

Ashley said...

Hahah! This is too funny! I have a bachelor friend who builds houses. He just recently finished his new personal home and I was trying to get him to put a pole in the living room from the top balcony overlooking the living room. I thought it was a great idea for a bachelor pad but he said it wouldn't be good for the resale value. Who knows, right? Hahah!

Debbie said...

I'm blushing and that video is scaring me.

Live.Love.Eat said...

Ha ha. That could have been any of our mothers. Steel Magnolias, favorite movie. I cannot WAIT to hear this video tonight. I am seeting the reminder on my phone now so I don't forget. Yes, pole dancing would be cool & a good workout.

Swirl Girl said...

If the pole was a candy cane glistening in oil, I still couldn't do it.

that stuff is tough to do!

CaraBee said...

I looked into one of those pole dancing exercise classes once. I chickened out. The girl who taught it had considerably more junk in the trunk than I did, so I decided maybe it wasn't the best use of my meager exercise energies.

The faces on the hooded figures in that video freak me right out. Cool song, though.

In response to your comment on my blog: I am awaiting my copy of Breaking Dawn at the library, thus the break.

scargosun said...

I have to find my pole dancing song.

BTW I'd totally do this. There was this show on Travel or TLC or some such channel about the sexiest jobs in Vegas and supposedly there is a woman who teaches pole dancing classes. Women do it for bachelorette parties and birthdays etc.

TheRightWife said...

Ok - that is a great song for pole dancing :)

And, is that why my husband always looks at me cross-eyed when I leave the house with my hair in a pony and my face bare of all makeup products? I understand now. He grew up in a place where I might as well not be wearing pants if I'm not going to wear lipstick :)

Trish said...

knock yourself out girl......

in the privacy of your own bedroom......

for your husband.....

Jesus would be okay with that!

that video scared me.

Pinky, don't be embarassed. You should be proud that she's gotten this far in life without the pole. That says alot!

Beckie Farrant, said...

Oh my head only you Leigh. Ok me too, I just wouldn't post about it. LOL!

"The Queen in Residence" said...

I was scared of the video too!!!All I can say is you go girl!!! LOL!!!

I wanted to thank you for stopping by during the layover from BATW. What fun it has been to meet so many amazing and soon very talented pole dancers.

Jennifer P. said...

I was going to say that I would dance to the Sesame Street theme song because that would leave the men all conflicted....but then I thought about some of them actually enjoying it, and that's just creepy. Your song is much, much better. Not that either of us will really ever pole dance, right :)?!

Did you see the Fuscia Fox video on Mama's Losin' It's blog? She's about as "risque" as I'd ever like to get!

Mrs. X said...

Why is this a pipe dream? Why should you wait to lose the weight? Maybe you should do AND lose weight at the same time. There are pole kits you can put up in your home with no tools, as a matter of fact Carmen Electra recently came out with one that's sturdy and portable and it even comes with it's own carrying bag. If you don't want to take a class, order a video, wait for nap time and go for it! That is, as long as your dancing is WAY sexier than that hooded thing in the video :)

Vicki said...

Whew! That would be one sexy fast dance. I'd be spinning dizzy if I tried to dance to that. I need the YouTube once you've got it goin' on. I need to see the moves so I can emulate them....

ParentingPink said...

HaHaHaHa! I can totally see me having this conversation with my mom! I was also raised "southern" too and I'm even passing the tradition on to my girls - they have to say "Yes Ma'am." But seriously, I've had the same fantasy. And what a great way to tone those post baby abs?! Maybe one day our pole dancing dreams will come true...after I finish off the rest of this candy! LOL

Oh, btw, yes, I am feeling better..and less whiny. Thank goodness!

Marrdy said...

Motley Crue and G strings, every mans fantasy!!

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

You just totally made my day ... cracking me up.

Call me when you're ready and I'll go and get some dollar bills for everyone.

Veggie Mom said...

Your Mama listens like my Mama listens...selectively! A pretty funny tale, though!!

Insane Mama said...

I think you should DO IT! Get a pole and get busy. Just don't teach the little girls. Don't want them teaching everyone in school

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

I think pole dancing is the new Southern Belle form of exercising!

That cracks me up about your mom!

Kat said...

Ack!! I am soooo far behind on my blog reading. Darn Latin class crimps my bloggy style.

I LOVE that you finally posted about this. And do you see? See? No one is running for the hills. No one.

I also LOVE the conversation with your mom. And her quick change of subject. Hilarious.

And I totally think you should get a pole. I wonder what the liberator store might have in stock :-) Oh...and you must call me - Or I'll call you or something - I have to tell you about the conversation last night at my book club...

Tiffany said...

Okay. I have pole danced. In public. Busty Bull Frog in Castle Rock, CO. And it was within the last 18 months.

My pole dancing song?

The Pussycat Dolls, "Lossen Up My Buttons"

Oh Yeah.

LaurelPlum said...

This my first time visiting and I SO already adore you! I read everything on the front page and left this comment on the last article. It's your own fault I didn't make more comments, it was like reading a book I couldn't put down!

- LP
sorry no blogger id - laurelplumonline.com