Wednesday, June 17, 2009

My Baby is NOT the Centerfold.

From the time I was about nine years old I would beg God, "Please give me a daughter some day.  I don't care if you give me seven kids, just please let one of them be a girl...so I can impart my girly wisdom.  Make-up, music, boys, fashion...I just really want a daughter, God!"


In His infinite wisdom, or as proof of His unbelievable sense of humor, God gave me not one daughter, but two.  He also gave me a prescription for valium.  

No, really.  He did.  I'm certain of it.  

My youngest daughter is three and a half, also known as the "you never know what's going to come out of their mouths" age.  Witness:


Last week the toilet in her bathroom was acting up...she tried flushing, to no avail...

Me: Hmmm...I reckon it's stopped up!

Caroline: The batteries must be dead. Daddy will put in some new ones!


Awesome.


And then...

Caroline:  Nellie and Creetus don't want to go the playground.

Me:  Who are Nellie and Creetus?

Caroline:  Oh, they're my friends.  You just can't see them, but that's OK.  They're just for me.

Me:  Creetus?  That's a funny-sounding name...

Caroline: Mommy!  That's just his name.  He can't help it!


Right.  Gotcha.


Finally...

Caroline:  Mommy, I have boobies!

Me:  Yes,  you do. You are a girl and that's what girls have.

Caroline:  But mine are beautiful.  So is my belly button.  See?  (As she lifts her shirt.)


Seriously?


And then I begin to pray...

Dear Jesus,

Please convict Caroline now that she is NEVER to pose for Playboy.  For less than $5 million.
Amen.

Miss Caroline Raley Litton
With her clothes on.  
NOT posing for Playboy.
I'm just sayin'.

If you don't have a three year old in your life, I highly recommend that you run right out and get one.  Target probably has them on sale.  Near the pharmacy.  You know, where the valium* is located.



*For the record--I have never taken Valium, nor am I suggesting that it's a required drug for raising kids.  All that's really required is a lot of love.  Patience.  And prayer.  Maybe some red wine, too.  


58 comments:

~Michelle~ said...

I'm more concerned about the fact you have to caveat the valium joke... people are so serious!

dddiva said...

Now that's funny- but I bet the Lord has something funnier in mind. ;)

Funky Kim said...

I have a three year old grandson who lives with us and provides me humor on a daily basis! And don't even think about skipping an hour without a serious talk about his penis. Seriously.

Tranquility said...

HAHA... I LOVE that her 'friend's name is Creetus!

Oh, and the batteries. I'm going to give that a try next time we have toilet issues!

ugagirl30 said...

AMEN!! My 3 yo says anything and everything that crosses her mind. She has not stopped talking in a month now and she is FUN.NY!

Amy said...

You need to videotape some of those conversations. I have one of Alyssa when she was 2 and we are discussing (interview style) her baby and how she had to take her to the dr, etc...freakin hilarious to watch now.

I am scared of Creetus! I hope he's really imaginary and not some kid that only she can 'see'...Don't mind me, I watch too many horror movies :)

kara with a k said...

Creetus is an awesome name, when I was 4 I had an imaginary friend named Jimby. He couldn't help what his name was either.

I have not been blessed with a daughter(yet, God willing one day I will), but my best friend has a three year old daughter so I totally get to enjoy her in all of her three year old awesomeness.

Angela said...

Wow. Creetus? Was she maybe thinking of Cletus? Okay. I'm a little scared of her imaginary friends, but at least they are imaginary! LOL!

And yes, I really hope I have girls. Because I just do not have any wisdom to impart (or use in raising) boys. Help me Jesus if I have boys. The 40 year old one I have now is all I can manage!!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Gosh I love that age.

sassy stephanie said...

And sometimes, it requires more red wine than others.

I'm lucky enough to get the boy and girl side of things. I'm so smitten with my 4-yrs-next month little momma's boy right now.

Bekah said...

come visit me and we'll reminisce april 28, 1993

Lauren said...

Creetus kills me. I love Caroline. So does Ted. This made for a good dinner time read :)

Kat said...

What is it with second girl children? Madalyn keeps telling me that she wants to change her name to Cupcake Levetta. And she is quite fond of getting up on the coffee table to dance. I just shake my head and sigh...

greedygrace said...

Yep, I have me one of them 3 year olds, too! Love her to death, but I am keeping a few wineries in business!

Laura said...

Loved this! My just-turned-four-year-old asked me just this weekend where her boobies were. I was speechless.

Kori said...

Awww 3. I remember 3. But with boys...um... it's interesting. There was the whole flick you bic stage with Jacob and I ain't talking lighters here honey. Oh and Calob number 2-ing on someones lawn while we were attending a birthday party. Yep good times.

But I don't wanna go back.

Mindy said...

Oh yea, I'm there - in the "Mom of a Three-Year-Old Club".. while my daughter don't have a Creetus, there is never a dull moment with her. Example: She loves singing to the radio (as loud as she possibly can). She knows a lot of songs that I didn't even know she had ever heard before. We were in the car and "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa was on, she was singing and when it came time for the chorus "P P P P Poker Face, Poker Face" my little E was in the back seat wailing "Ah Ah ah ah Ogre Face, Ogre Face! Can't read my Ogre Face"
Wonder why they didn't use that one on Shrek? Bwahahahahhaha!

Julie said...

Creetus is a unique name... very interesting she came up with that. :)

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Thank you for clearing up the valium situation. I was beginning to wonder until I saw the little Assterisk with the foot note. I'll be switching back to wine tomorrow.

Amy said...

I have three girls, one is three in a half. Enough Said! I get it, yes I do.

Personalized Sketches and Sentiments said...

haha!!! love it! Little ones come up with amazing, hilarious things to say....without even trying!

Personalized Sketches and Sentiments said...

oops, one more thing...oh still learning about blogging... (love reading your postings!)

silly question but I'll ask it anyway- since I commented a virtual mini-novel (sorry about that) on an older post (June 2nd-Disconnected), do you get notified on every comment added, no matter how long ago the post was?

if you have time, please send a quick yes or no
mgbotelho21@gmail.com

Tammy Howard said...

My daughter got her dad's hair. That was my answered prayer that makes God laugh. My hair is fine and my hubs' is thick and wavy. It was truly my constant prayer when I was pregnant. She got his hair all right. I learned it's not so much wavy as it is one big cowlick after another. She has to be so careful about how she wears it now - she has as many hair issues as I do AND they're not ones I've ever dealt with, so it's even tougher.

Watch out what you ask for indeed.

Creetus. Awesome.

Sparkette said...

Oh goodness that was a good one! LOL! :)

Your disclaimers kill me!!

Caroline said...

And I pray that I WON'T have 7 children!

Creetus - sounds like some creepy redneck greeter at Wal-Mart.

And yes, everyone should have a 3 year old. In fact, you could probably find one at Wal-Mart, but there's a good chance that it's mother could hear it screaming all the way back in frozen foods as you carry it out of the store. And you'd have all those cameras on you and stuff. I don't know that I'd recommend it.

Lacey said...

Creetus had an sleepover with Barak last night.... We roasted marshmellows and stayed up late watching movies.... He is such a nice kid! hahahahaha! Kidding! Barak named a person on The Sims when Bronwen was playing... "Kacy Kace-a-dilly"????? Yes it has to be 3yr olds!

Heather said...

Did Lacey really leave a comment?! Holy Cow?! Send that girl over to my blog right now!!

After Caroline gets her $5 mil, she and Gabe will be set for life, right? I doubt that he'll mind. The kid pulls down his pants at the park's creek to pee, for heaven's sake.

I loved your comment about summer (visitors from Ohio).

One thing I love about summer: going to Virginia!

Brandy said...

And all these years I've been using a nasty plunger when it was the batteries the whole time.

I hope she still feels that way after puberty hits. Girls have such a bad self image these days.

If valium is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Gina said...

*sigh* I used to have pretty boobies, too. After nursing 5 kids? Not so much. And let's not even talk about the belly button!

THE Stephanie said...

She's absolutely adorable!

Melissa said...

You and I should seriously write a book. Between the 2 of us we can come up with enough 3 year old fodder to make $5 million in book sales and then you can save your daughter from a life of centerfold posing remorse. Sound like a gooder idea?

Jenny and the Princess Peonies said...

Three year olds are fab. Especially yours.

5 mill will be nothing when she gets older - tell her to aim higher.

Ashlyn used to have 2 imaginary friends - Sandi and Radio - they were horses you know.

Danielle said...

WOW, She looks a lot like my daughter. Beautiful if I do say so myself.
Good Luck with that one.

Jen said...

Yup three year olds are pretty awesome and totally have a good one here.

Marrdy said...

Oh dear...she sounds like mine when she was 3 1/2. She is now 17. Instead of Valium, I recommend a closet with a strong lock. Good Luck!

Em said...

LOL - I'm pretty sure they sell them at Target, because that has to be what people mean when they say "oh, two boys!? You have to get a girl!!!"

By the pharmacy. Got it. My valium presciption is ready for pick up anyway.

Missy said...

Amen! I have two 3 1/2 year olds!
Emma told me yesterday that she was thirsty & I told her to hold on. She then replies, Okay, hurry up, I am freaking out! Seriously?!?!

CaraBee said...

So this is what I have to look forward to? I'm excited...and terrified.

themoonisdown said...

kids say the darndest things! love the battery line. wish it was true!

such a beautiful baby!

Mama Kat said...

I actually DO need valium to raise children. But that's just me.

She's adorable.

Shannon said...

Another worry to add to the list:

Be sure to keep our girls off the pole.

LenaLoo said...

I love you Lula! And I love the new(ish?) bloggy look :) Still waiting to find out what my little one will be (9 days and counting)... I can't decide if I want a boy or a girl more lol...

Trish said...

ahem.......

please already, do NOT encourage my future daughter in law to pose for anything less than 10 million. We do have a family name to protect ;-)

Dancing Phalanges said...

Funny, I prayed for a houseful of boys. But, I make a lousy "girly girl" so I figured I would be a poor mother to a sweet precious little girl. If I do have a daughter? Oh, it is so going to be The Gilmore Girls up in here!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I enjoyed reading your blog tonight....Love it when I have time to do blog hopping...I always enjoy finding new blogs!
This month I am posting on our Disney trip.

Denise said...

I've NEVER needed drugs to deal with my children-- that's because I take the poor person's version of Prozac. Alcohol. That's what I call it anyway. Mommy's taking her Prozac darling.

I love the things that come out of these darling little mouths. Most of the time. LOL

Sun said...

That is so funny..
I love 3 year olds.

And the name CREETUS
is seriously the craziest name EVER.. (this coming from a girl named, Sunshine..) Oh, well.. I'm just sayin'...

Christina said...

LOL.... batteries. At least she didn't throw them in a flush it... hmmm... maybe that's why is clogged?

Nancy Face said...

So funny! :D

I was the only daughter and I drove my mom CRAZY! She often said I was harder to raise than my 3 brothers combined. She also said some day I'd get what I deserved and have 6 daughters just like me, YIKES! Welp, that made me want to give birth to just sons. Sons are awesome, but so are daughters! My mom was SOOO wrong! By the way, my mom loves me...although I still drive her crazy at times! ;)

Heather said...

Creetus is my friend too. Decent enough guy. A little preoccupied with the jug (if you know what I mean) but harmless enough.

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL! How well I remember three.....but now that we're almost 5, it's rather awesome too!!

Hugs!!!!

Pinky Roth said...

Caroline is so precious and smart! I love her...

Mamaw Pinky

Tony C said...

She's beautiful! We're peas in a pod with our 2 girl families.

(Mrs. Tony C wants a third...God help me!)

Aleta said...

I love the conversations you shared with your daughter. Children are SO creative!

Jennifer P. said...

Valium, red wine, and a 3 year old----I sense a book or an arrest coming out of this!

She is a beauty though. Would we expect any less? :)

Cecily R said...

Hands down, one of my favorite ages...they just get funnier. And that girl of yours is hilarious. And adorable.

My son had an imaginary friend at her age who's name was Rachel and she was 26. Still makes me shake my head and wonder...

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

I love this age. I thought my youngest would grow out of her tell-it-like-it-is stage, but she still does at 8 years old and that's one of my favorite things about her.

Mountain Mama said...

I too prayed for a girl and cried when I discovered my second (and last) child was going to be another boy.

He's three also but doesn't have any Playboy aspirations. yet.

Stopping by from SITS.