The Review.

Last week I posted about the latest DVD release featuring my boyfriend, Jason Statham. Let us pause to enjoy him for a moment:

No wimpy, pretty boys for me, please. Uh-uh...this good gal is partial to the "bad" guys. Rugged, tough, bad-as-crap. Give me that kind of man over a Prince Charming any day. (In the "real word," Scotty is bad-as-crap...come on, he can stitch one-handed. That, my friends, is talent...oh, but you don't know the half of it!)

I had two nights to myself this past weekend. Scotty & his dad were in Richmond for the race, while my girls stayed with Nanna, who's not fond of being by herself. I LOVE being by myself, just so you know. With a big ol' bowl of popcorn and some Coke-in-a-can (LOVE YOU, Sarah!), I settled down to watch Jason's movie, The Name of the King, on Friday night. Here's my review of said flick:

It SUCKED. The end.

If my language offends, I apologize. There is no other word that captures the essence of this movie, though..so "sucked" has to be used. Sorry Mama. At least it wasn't "freakin' sucked," which I know would've pushed you right over the edge of incredulousness.

I am an enormous lover of period films...Princess Bride, Gone With the Wind, Much Ado About Nothing (the Kenneth Branagh & Emma Thompson version), and the creme de la creme of fantasy pieces, Lord of the Rings. I'm a Ringer...a full-fledge LOTR trilogy nerd. Not even embarrassed to let my nerd/freak flag fly here, either. There's a reason Return of the King won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 2004...because it's most excellent. The finest of the trilogy, the jewel in Peter Jackon's crown, the glory that is Viggo Mortensen (another non-pretty boy that I rather enjoy), Return of the King is epic. And I love it.

The Name of the King was a B-movie version of LOTR. Probably not even "B" status...I'd give it a "D." It contained some of the wackiest casting I've seen to date...Matthew Lillard (the bug-eyed dude from Scream), Burt Reynolds (what, he's still living? Oh no, that's just wrong of me!) and Ray Liotta? Because there's a trio we really need to see on the silver screen. Claire Forlani and Leelee Sobieski rounded out the lead roles, and these ladies are both fine, established actresses, however I think their agents and/or management teams failed them by allowing their involvement in this particular film.

There were two redeeming qualities in The Name of the King. John Rhys-Davies portrayed a Merlinesque charater and, as always, nailed the role. Rhys-Davies is better known as "Sallah" from the Indiana Jones films, and more importantly, as "Gimli" in the LOTR trilogy. He's a brilliant English actor and his presence added just a touch of class to this movie. Just a touch, mind you.

Redeeming quality number two, of course, was the role of "Farmer," as portrayed by my boyfriend. I'm not just saying this because he holds my love and devotion, but he actually did some pretty darn fine acting in this otherwise lackluster film. I made it through all two hours simply because I wanted to see his character's progression 'til the final frame. Jason Statham is an accomplished martial artist and it's always a pleasure watching him kick booty, particularly when swords are involved. Did I mention I love period/fantasy movies? Sword fights are cool. Yeah. (Insert Beavis' laugh here: Heh. Heh-heh-heh-heh.)

In short (too late!), unless you develop adoration for the wonder that is Jason Statham, skip The Name of the King. Better yet, queue The Italian Job in your Netflix account, or rent it from your nearest store. It's one of our favorites and also one of the first films that brought Jason notoriety. His character in The Italian Job is aptly named Handsome Rob. Need I say more?