Dear Entertainment Weekly,
I'm nearing the end of your Top 1000 New Classics issue, and frankly I'm fuming from the depths of my being. More or less I agreed with your top choices for movies and television. Your music picks left something to be desired, as far as I'm concerned, but I got over it, moved on and eagerly turned the pages to see which works of fiction and non-fiction have been selected for the top 100.
Number one is The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Um...boring. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire comes in second place. Maybe I'll get around to reading Rowling one day. Not today, though. Oh, I see Margaret Atwood's brilliant novel, The Handmaid's Tale, in the number 16 slot. OK, EW...that's a step in the right direction. I'm still reading through the list, looking for it.
Nope, it's not at number 30...that's Case Histories by Kate Atkinson. Never heard of that particular work. Let's leave the Top 50, shall we? There's Friday Night Lights by H.G. Blissinger, at number 74. Is that like the movie or the TV show? 'Cause I'm totally not familiar.
I'm starting to get a little worried here. I'll keep looking...
Well, I knew I'd find Dan Brown on here somewhere, barely making the list at number 96. I did enjoy the Da Vinci Code...a intriguing work of fiction. Fiction. EW, are you hearing me?
OK, I gotta look again, with a magnifiying glass this time, because I'm certain it's on here. I know it is. How could it not? I've read the titles of each selection in your top 100. WHERE. IS. IT?
Entertainment Weekly, my dear, this is grounds for a break-up. A reason for subscription dissolution. Worthy of a scathing letter to your editors, who are obviously idiots. Yeah, I said it...IDIOTS.
My incredulity is rising...I've reread your list five times now and it's not magically appearing. Have y'all seriously lost your minds?
How could a magazine as esteemed as EW leave off the New York Times Editor's Choice? A Publishers Weekly Best Book of the Year? The Best Book of the Decade...So Far, as rated by Amazon.com? A novel which has, along with its second and third sequels, graced the New York Times Bestseller List for over 143 weeks?
EW, I know you know. You have to know. Why did you leave it off your list? I'm gettin' huffy here and it's not proper or polite for southern gals to sweat the small stuff. Yet here I am. Sweatin'. And this ain't small stuff. Not one bit.
Does your lack of favor stem from the issue that this particular book is, in fact, a novel geared toward "young adult" readers? Because I'm here to tell y'all, this 33 year old wife and mama may not be a "young adult." Yet I adore this work of fiction so deeply it frightens my husband. Many times he has reminded me, "Honey...it's just a book. It's not real." Well dagum, honey o' mine! I know this. Just let me live in it f0r a while, all happy and safe and warm and satisfied. Oh, and can you bring me some peanut M&Ms to aid my enjoyment? Thanks.
Back to you, EW. There are many things I can forgive: Greg IWillNotDivulgeHisLastName for promising me shroom tea would be harmless. My mother, for staying with me 4 weeks after Caroline was born, when 2 would have sufficied and our bond would've remained bruise-free. Schwans, for making some items available only for internet preorder, when I always forget and want said items the minute that yellow truck pounds up my road. *Nsync, for breaking up just when they started to get really good. These are the easy-peasies in life.
Your omission, though? Oh, EW! I am aghast.
I know for a fact I am not the only individual shocked, horrified and wounded by your lack of love. Own up to it. Be a man. Print the 63,856 letters your editors will receive, hounding and pleading for a retraction. Go on. Do it. I dare you.
Until then I must make clear your status on my black list. We've had a long-standing relationship, Entertainment Weekly, and I hate to see it dissolve like this. I implore you to redeem this magazine...get right with God...find solace in the truth. 'Til then, EW, we are not on the best of terms. Take a clue from TV Guide--this week's issue is all about the joys of good, solid, Sci-Fi programming. That's a magazine I can get behind.
Stephenie Meyer's brilliant work of prose that is beloved by bojillions (wink-wink!) would have been number one on my list. I expected it to at least crack the top 50 in yours. Leaving it off completely? Well, that's just bad entertainment news, y'all.
I never finished the rest of your Top 1000 New Classics edition. Why should I?