Wednesday, July 9, 2008

An Open Letter to EW, Part 2.

Part 1

Dear Entertainment Weekly,

I'm nearing the end of your Top 1000 New Classics issue, and frankly I'm fuming from the depths of my being. More or less I agreed with your top choices for movies and television. Your music picks left something to be desired, as far as I'm concerned, but I got over it, moved on and eagerly turned the pages to see which works of fiction and non-fiction have been selected for the top 100.

Number one is The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Um...boring. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire comes in second place. Maybe I'll get around to reading Rowling one day. Not today, though. Oh, I see Margaret Atwood's brilliant novel, The Handmaid's Tale, in the number 16 slot. OK, EW...that's a step in the right direction. I'm still reading through the list, looking for it.

Nope, it's not at number 30...that's Case Histories by Kate Atkinson. Never heard of that particular work. Let's leave the Top 50, shall we? There's Friday Night Lights by H.G. Blissinger, at number 74. Is that like the movie or the TV show? 'Cause I'm totally not familiar.

I'm starting to get a little worried here. I'll keep looking...

Well, I knew I'd find Dan Brown on here somewhere, barely making the list at number 96. I did enjoy the Da Vinci Code...a intriguing work of fiction. Fiction. EW, are you hearing me?

OK, I gotta look again, with a magnifiying glass this time, because I'm certain it's on here. I know it is. How could it not? I've read the titles of each selection in your top 100. WHERE. IS. IT?

Entertainment Weekly, my dear, this is grounds for a break-up. A reason for subscription dissolution. Worthy of a scathing letter to your editors, who are obviously idiots. Yeah, I said it...IDIOTS.

My incredulity is rising...I've reread your list five times now and it's not magically appearing. Have y'all seriously lost your minds?

How could a magazine as esteemed as EW leave off the New York Times Editor's Choice? A Publishers Weekly Best Book of the Year? The Best Book of the Decade...So Far, as rated by Amazon.com? A novel which has, along with its second and third sequels, graced the New York Times Bestseller List for over 143 weeks?

EW, I know you know. You have to know. Why did you leave it off your list? I'm gettin' huffy here and it's not proper or polite for southern gals to sweat the small stuff. Yet here I am. Sweatin'. And this ain't small stuff. Not one bit.

Does your lack of favor stem from the issue that this particular book is, in fact, a novel geared toward "young adult" readers? Because I'm here to tell y'all, this 33 year old wife and mama may not be a "young adult." Yet I adore this work of fiction so deeply it frightens my husband. Many times he has reminded me, "Honey...it's just a book. It's not real." Well dagum, honey o' mine! I know this. Just let me live in it f0r a while, all happy and safe and warm and satisfied. Oh, and can you bring me some peanut M&Ms to aid my enjoyment? Thanks.

Back to you, EW. There are many things I can forgive: Greg IWillNotDivulgeHisLastName for promising me shroom tea would be harmless. My mother, for staying with me 4 weeks after Caroline was born, when 2 would have sufficied and our bond would've remained bruise-free. Schwans, for making some items available only for internet preorder, when I always forget and want said items the minute that yellow truck pounds up my road. *Nsync, for breaking up just when they started to get really good. These are the easy-peasies in life.

Your omission, though? Oh, EW! I am aghast.

I know for a fact I am not the only individual shocked, horrified and wounded by your lack of love. Own up to it. Be a man. Print the 63,856 letters your editors will receive, hounding and pleading for a retraction. Go on. Do it. I dare you.

Until then I must make clear your status on my black list. We've had a long-standing relationship, Entertainment Weekly, and I hate to see it dissolve like this. I implore you to redeem this magazine...get right with God...find solace in the truth. 'Til then, EW, we are not on the best of terms. Take a clue from TV Guide--this week's issue is all about the joys of good, solid, Sci-Fi programming. That's a magazine I can get behind.

Stephenie Meyer's brilliant work of prose that is beloved by bojillions (wink-wink!) would have been number one on my list. I expected it to at least crack the top 50 in yours. Leaving it off completely? Well, that's just bad entertainment news, y'all.


twilight

I never finished the rest of your Top 1000 New Classics edition. Why should I?

12 comments:

Jaci said...

I often wonder if agents pay to get their clients on those lists. Really. One year Hallie Barry is totally hot (when her movies are doing well), the next year she's not even on the radar. Maybe it's the same for books. What books are the publishers trying to sell right now? That's probably what's on the list, sprinkled in with a few popular favorites.

Still, it sucks when they ignore really good books, people, music, etc.

Heather said...

AMEN, sister! Preach on...

I loved the wink wink...you're my people.

KimmyJ said...

I went and go this book this weekend because of you and the SITStas. I have actually put off starting it since I am already a big ball of laziness since quitting work. I know I wll be hooked.

Mama Dawg said...

Hear, hear! I'll boycott them for that same reason!

CaraBee said...

Can I still be in the club if I say I haven't read it? I just put it on hold at my library. Can't wait!

Kat said...

I was at the Piggly Wiggly last night. And they don't carry EW. Or soy sauce. Or skim milk.

Tori said...

Hmmm... saw this in Target the other night and thought of you. Wound up getting Hissy Fit instead though. I'm headed to the library today... I may see if they have it. Oh... and the Harry Potter books? Awesome!!!!

CaraBee said...

In a strange coincidence, when I opened up the DVD I got from Netflix today there was an ad for Twilight - coming to a theater near you in December.

Insane Mama said...

You are so funny! and I know I need to read this book, I mean I need to go to the bookstore now!
Southern girls don't sweat??? Wow!
Because I sweated like crazy in Georgia... Oh wait you said, they don't sweat the small stuff

Christine said...

I am thinking I must go out and buy this book right now - you are about the 10th person to praise it....

Kimba said...

I couldn't bring myself to post about something worldly on your beautifully written letter about Ramey.

But yes, I do "know" Beckie from Infarrantly Creative. I actually linked to her post about rehabbing her desk last weekend! I can't remember how I found her blog...maybe it was from yours. The internet sure has made it a small world.

I am adding you to my favorites because I can tell that you are my kind of people too. :-)

Shannon said...

I just started reading Twilight today! I'm only about four chapters in, but I'm hooked!