Saturday, June 28, 2008

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

While you are comfortly tucked away in the warmth and haze of your drug-induced stupor, let me remind you of one thing: unless you're seeking Tylenol, "Commodium A-D," Benadryl or Ibuprofen, you won't find drugs in the Litton home. No codones of any kind, no sinus meds to assist your meth lab efforts, not even "Robo-Cop" for you to drink away that persistent cough.

We have no need for erectile disfunction pills (oh my head, the traffic I'll get from that term!), so don't even think you'll be finding little blue pills in our cabinets...we refuse to assist you in any black market transactions.

There's nary a trace of anti-anxiety medication within these walls, because while I would most likely benefit from a few months of happy pills, I'm fine and dandy with just blaming it all on month-long PMS. (My dear family, thanks for enduring me.)

This warning is most likely a moot point (or as Joey Tribbiani once said, "A moo point." Thanks, Hot Tub Lizzy for reminding me of his classic quote!), as I'm well aware you've never been to Lulaville. Just in case, though...in the event you and your ilk are viewing internet porn and wind up here, because I know it' s happened before...just in case...I gotta put this out there: You will not get what you're looking for in this house. Stop hanging out in our general vicinity, stop having drunken sex anywhere near our property (what, are you bored with waiting for us to leave?), and for the love of all that's good and holy, stop destroying yourself. Please save the 17 brain cells I'm certain are hanging on for dear life. I mean this in the lovingest way possible. Drugs are ruining the lives of so many in our precious little community. Quit being a freakin' statistic. Again...in the lovingest way possible.

Finally...please...go away. We are tired of asking nicely. We are tired of calling the police departement on a regular basis. (But here's a shout-out to the LCSD--y'all are doing a fine job and we love you!) We are tired of coming home late in the evenings, or leaving on an early morning weekend and finding your truck parked not far from where our precious babies sleep.

You're never gonna get it...never ever gonna get it. (EnVogue much?) Not even a baby aspirin or a throat lozenge...so don't even try it. You're never gonna get anything.

Got it?
Love,
Lula

*And this is where my tag line comes into play: Below the surface lies sweet rebellion. This rebellion ain't quite so sweet, y'all. I am meaning business here. As Heather would (sweetly) say, "Love me through this." Please!


fife
Sic 'em, Barney.



17 comments:

Swirl Girl said...

...and where do you live???

leezee52 said...

Where on earth do you live?

sanctuaryseeker said...

Hey,

We know where Booger Hollow is. We vacationed at Vogel State Park two years ago and......we stayed in Blairsville 14 years ago on our honeymoon. It was a blast to see it again. Oh, and we know where the emergency room is in Blairsville and the Home Depot, but that's another story.
You are awesome. Keep blogging.

Lula! said...

I guess I should've stated again (for all the newbies--welcome, newbies--glad you're here!) that we live in a very small town in a the middle of nowhere. Tis very small town has a huge drug population, and my husband is a physician.

That should explain it all.

Oh, and we live on a whole bunch of land...not a subdivision or neighborhood or anything like that.

Does this help???

Lula! said...

Pardon my lack-of-proofreading. My regular readers are used to my imperfect comments by now. Debbie--NO RED INK from you, please.

Kim said...

Please don't tell me you had visitors on your property last week. I hate that! They mess with my babies and they will be answering to me!

Mom o'Bean said...

Wow, sing it sister! These problems are everywhere, not just in the big cities. It breaks my heart to hear about these sorts of things in my own (small) home town.

Kat said...

The druggies should know that the docs are bringing the meds home. They need to find the Phizer reps and stalk their houses.

My mom has horrid arthritis and spinal stenosis...and prescriptions for oxycontin. But she doesn't fill them. I keep telling her she could retire to the beach with Javier and a coconut drink if she wanted to fill those scrips and sell, sell, sell :-)

WheresMyAngels said...

It is really scary how alot of small towns have such bad drug problems. My husband is from a small town an hour from here and yes, he did partake. Now he is a man and we own a home there but never want to live there and raise a family because of the drug problem. It is everywhere but sometimes the small towns have it the worst cause the kids get bored. Unfortunately, my BIL isn't as lucky as my husband. He can't get away from his addictions. I got to hide my happy pills every time he comes over :)

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Gosh... I'm so sorry. But Barney's got your back babe!

Sissy said...

Lula! Oh. My. I think you need to move to NC and be my neighbor and BFF. There is a house for sale across the street and there aren't any drug stalkers here (that I know of, anyway.)

Or, if you don't want to move...I will send my Mom and her 22. But, you live in the country...so you might have one already.

Caroline said...

Funny - the sermon this morning was on how the love of money is the root of all evil. All that crazy stuff like drugs, porn, gambling, etc. is tied up in the love of money. Makes me sad for them that they have to stalk doctors just to get their fix.

Mrs. R said...

When CM was on LAPD, we used to list a PO Box on everything as our address. One, people he arrested and testified against getting out and being unhappy, and two, criminals know the one place to find a gun s at a cop's house. Ugh. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Get a dog? Not like Heather's gay dog, or my chiauau with a short man's complex.. a real dog.

Debbie said...

Oh Lula...that is really scarey. I hope you are packing heat down there!

Debbie said...

Oh and no red ink from me on comments....those rules go out the window in replies...takes too much time to edit even my own comments...I just write and type whatever comes out however it comes out....

Melissa said...

Sounds crazy! Reminds me of the aliens from Signs with Mel Gibson. Swing away!

Angela said...

Seriously this happens? How scary! So far, no reports of anyone trying to steal contact lens from us. Thank goodness.